How My Quest For Better Tresses Gave Me A Better Rest

Stress is absolute murder on your body.

And the parts growing out of your body too.

(Insomnia locks aren’t cute)

And, much like your hair, the reason why’s got layers to it. When you’re stressed out, you’re either not eating enough – or not eating enough of the right stuff. (Massive meals do not a macro balance make. They don’t necessarily make for mineral and vitamin evenness either.) Either way, the bottom line’s often that you land yourself a vitamin deficiency. And that can mess with everything from your weight and mood to your sleep quality (although all of those generally interrelate and affect each other tremendously). Now, for a long time, magnesium was the big vitamin everyone was suggesting for a stellar slumber. And, while they weren’t wrong, something new’s always gotta be trending to get people intrigued. Thus, now there’s another buzz supplement it’s said you should check out. According to research, if you’re feeling off when you attempt to rest, it might be thanks to the sinking zinc levels in your system.

And what’s taking zinc gonna do for you? Well, while it’s not gonna Lunesta your brain to snooze land, what it will do is improve sleep quality and reduce how frequently you wake up from your slumber. (Anyone else rise every three hours to pee? No? Just me and my Chihuahua bladder? Mmmkay…) Along with calcium and magnesium (already mentioned), it’s one’ve three over the counter goodies that naturally aids in sedating the nervous system. In fact, research has shown it’s harbors restorative effects, promotes post-workouot recovery, and helps with mental recovery after a malevolent workday sandwiched betwixt traffic jams.

And, I hafta say, there’s something to this. After leveling out my zinc needs (along with all the other vitamins I’d been missing to augment my noggin mop’s quality), it wasn’t just my head of hay improving. So was hit-the-hay time. My slumbers underwent a definite makeover. And, while I hadn’t thought about the zinc specifically being the reason, in retrospect, it totally makes sense. So, what’s the takeaway? To go get zinc – along with your magnesium and calcium? Not just yet. My advice is – if you’re having a sleep, health, horrible hair, or overall wellness issue of any kind, don’t just assume it’s one vitamin necessarily messin ya up. Head the to doc’s, have them suck out a sanguine sample, and see for sure what’s going on. Because while the missing sleep link could be zinc, it could be any number of other things as well.

Get those leveled out, and everything will likely improve – from your mane to mattress time.

(Disclaimer: zinc will *not* turn you into a ginger Disney princess…)

Why White Noise Helps You Sleep

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I didn’t get it.

Each weeknight at home, I was tossing and turning. But my weekend sleeps at bae’s were great. Next level. Perfect. So – what was it? Why was I enjoying such a wonderful slumber at my lover’s abode and not my own? Was it his mattress? The spooning? Waking up, cuddled in the pit of his arm? Enjoying the reverie of an unconditional, blissful, interaction characterized by mutual understanding, gratitude, and respect?

Nope.

And I’m not saying that to sizzle the illusion of a beautiful relache making for a great sleep. It totally can. But, the thing is, we had all’a that too when he came over here. Yet I still slept like Fido’s feces post table scraps from Happy Hunan. So, it clearly had to be something else. Seeing as I don’t have the cash for a mattress replacement, I shelved that notion and went for the next difference on the list betwixt his place and mine: that relaxing fan of his. The one that sounds like the ocean. Now, I’ve written about how white noise is a great sleep tool before. (Probably on a list with a bunch’ve other stuff.) But, I’m A.) low key crappy at actually taking my own advice and B.) one of those cynics who doesn’t care if the evidence and research says something works; I’m just not likely to try it until I know how or why it works in a way that makes sense to me.

And, indeed, I finally get it.

See, I always thought the idea was that white noise just masks the sounds of traffic or your animal licking itself or whatever. It was just always just described to me as a generic sound drowner. But that explanation was too vague for me. Because, if the only thing we needed to do was “cover up” noise with other noise, then I could technically listen to anything – from Enya to Deftones – right? Wrong. Because the lazy explanation I kept getting lacked the legit answer – which is that white noise doesn’t just give you some other sound to listen to. It gives you every other sound to listen to. It’s a constant sound emitted across all audible frequencies. In other words, it’s hitting all the frequencies at the same time. And why’s that matter? Because the reason noises keep us from sleeping or wake us up isn’t because of the noises themselves. It’s the change in frequency a sudden noise causes. If we go from hearing a nice audible nada to our neighbor dropping a bowling ball in the apartment above, that’s jarring. It’s a disturbance in the force. It wakes us up because it’s different from what our ears were just detecting. But, if a white noise machine or fan is already pumping all’ve those frequencies out simultaneously, there’s no sudden change detectable. We’re already hearing it – along with all the other ones. It’s like getting all the rainbow colors at once. White noise is basically ahe backward auditory prism. We get all the colors (frequencies) at once and our ears hear the white light (noise). So, go ahead. Taste the restful rainbow with those sound receivers on the sides of your head.

And, sure, you could go all out and purchase the expensive version.

But you truly don’t hafta pay for that or even a whirring nocturnal snooze robot.

Just pop on a complimentary YouTube vids of white noise if you’re not in the market for a fan.

Because we’re all fans of a good night sleep.

Why Meditating May Refresh You Better Than a Nap

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So, you slept nada last night.

And today might be doable if you could catch some quick shuteye halfway through.

But, unfortunately, you’re the sort who’s worse off after attempting a midday micro snooze. Whether it’s ten minutes or twenty, all laying down does is squash what little momentum you managed to dredge up when you peeled yourself from your pillow this morning. And then the rest of the day feels impossible. You’re not alone. This is classic sleep inertia: interrupting a sleep cycle and feeling bewildered as a result. I get it too, actually. For me, napping is like playing Russian roulette with a lethargy bullet. Maybe it’ll clear the cognitive cobwebs. Maybe it’ll make me leave the house with two different shoes on and forget the coffee I so desperately needed on the roof of my Honda as I drive away. I never know. But when I know that I can’t risk feeling even worse than my night of insomnia left me, I can always turn to one side effect free refresher that’s tried and true:

Meditation.

Given that you’re sitting up the whole time, not sleeping, and in a state of restful awareness, there’s no worry of interrupting any sleep cycles. None have been initiated to begin with. That’s the first benefit. The second is that you get to rest the ogle orbs living in your skull. The twofer to this is that those muscles finally get a break; but, also, constantly visually processing information is fatiguing. We’re perpetually judging what unfolds around us, whether intentionally or not. And this creates a level of stress that ultimately results in fatigue. By nixing our visual input for a bit, we get to diminish one contributor to the stress that’s making us even more tired than we already were after a sleepless night.

But that’s not the only way meditation stops us from succumbing to stress. Even without witnessing the world around us, we’re still victim to another anxiety inducer. And it’s the biggest one we’ve got: our own minds. By sitting in quiet, lightless silence, and focusing solely on a mantra or your breath, the spotlight slowly swings away from what is wearing us down from the inside out – and onto the comfort of a repetitive mental effleurage, coupled with the sensation of comfort that comes with it. The shoulders begin to loosen. The neck feels less tight. A weightlessness transpires in the chest. Constructive ideas on what our next move should be may even arise. And, suddenly any the attachment to whatever was siphoning from our already low gas tank’s eradicated, letting us complete the day peacefully, and with better awareness. What’s more, our brain gets better at whatever habit we practice. So, if we practice focus and body calming for a good twenty minutes, the chances of that accompanying us through the day’s remainder are excellent.

Now, there is one issue you may face as you try this. As a beginner, it’s easy to get stressed out when you realize you’re not meditating, but worrying for the duration of your time trying. Sure, you start with the mantra. But then it quickly spirals out. This is totally normal and expected. We come to meditation due to our tendency toward an overblown stress response. So, we shouldn’t expect anything from ourselves but a stress response when we find ourselves mentally straying. That’s just habit kicking in. And, like all habits, it takes time to break. The trick? Learn to be humored by it. Have a laugh at the fact that your brain is running away, like a fuzzy puppy from a bath. Do you get mad at a puppy? No. You find its errant nature nearly adorable. Likewise with the mind. It needs cleaning, it’s trying to run away, and your only task is to lovingly draw it back to your breath or the mantra. And while that concept of “self love” may sound silly and new-age-y to some, it’s actually not. It’s just a replacement thought programming for the current one – which is to stress out about everything. (Which is probably why we’re not sleeping in the first place.) I promise the replacement is better.

So, in sum, if you can’t get midday shuteye, try opening your third eye instead.

Does a Heavy Blanket Equal Heavy Sleeping?

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Wait… you want me to sleep with a heavy blanket?

In this weather?

I know. It’s a bit hot for it ATM. But, during your desperate search for the perfect (and side effect free) sleep, you may have encountered ads for the “Gravity” blanket. There are actually a ton’ve ’em out there, under all sorts of different brand names. It’s just that Gravity happens to be having its moment RN. And what’s the big deal? Well, the idea’s that, by hiding under a blanket that’s roughly 10 percent’ve the weight of the sleepless meat it’s sitting on top of, some next level sorcery happens: the sensation allegedly mimics being cuddled or hugged. This sets off a neurotransmitter cascade of serotonin and other relaxation hormones. And, before you know it, your insomniac stress’s supplanted with snoring. Not a bad sounding deal for a chemical free sleep.

So, what’re the downsides?

And upsides?

Well, for one, the blanket lives up to its name in more ways than the obvious. Gravity causes stuff to fall. And that’s exactly what this thing’ll do to your bank balance with its $250 price tag. On the other hand, though, if that’s what you’re forking out on a semiregular basis anyway for those pharmaceuticals you hafta pay outta pocket for now after your insurance dropped you in January, then it might not be the worst investment. Especially since, unlike Lunesta, it’s not a recurring purchase.

Second, these things are only big enough to fit one. (Sorry, Jack, not enough room to surf the delta waves under this Gravity raft. You’re gonna hafta let go and get your own.) That said, if you’ve read my recent article on sleeping with an S.O., it’s not a bad idea for you twoz to be rockin your own his and hers (or hers and hers… or his and his… or me and my Pekingese) covers anyway – weighted or not. Ya know, so you don’t hafta battle for the blanket all night. That’s just a relache saver, right there…

(Can we take a moment to appreciate cold cat’s face? #BeenThereBro)

Third is one review I actually read from a verified purchase on Amazon: that it’s lumpy in some places; that it’s not evenly distributed. Sorry, Gravity, not all “cons” on the pro and con list can be redeemed. Maybe homeboy just bought a dud. Or maybe ya just hafta take your blankie back to the lab and work out the literal kinks in this thing.

And, finally is the heat issue. For those of us who suffer through seasons featuring lava level temps and air so humid that we hafta backstroke from our front doors to our cars, the Gravity blanket might be less than stellar. For three to five months out of the year (90 degree temps started in VA when May did, this year) it’s too hot for this heavy sedative swaddle cloth. The upside? It might just be worth buying anyway for our Alaskan-esque winters that inevitably follow. So, if you think what your sleep’s missing is a quilt that costs a mint, try this guy out. Mayhaps what a heavy sleep requires is a heavy blanket.

As for me? I think I’ll just try a DIY and double up on covers.

That is, when and if this sweltering weather ever ends…

6 Tips For a Better Slumber Beside Your Lover (Part 2)

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So you’re still having trouble sleeping next to your nuptial “other”.

Love went out the window eons ago. And splitting is too inconvenient. So, what do you do? Well, if you want to attempt to salvage the remnants of the relationship you used to have, click here for part one of this article. It’ll not only make for a better night’s rest, but maybe save your marriage or couple-ship (or whatever you’ve got going with the dude who never actually tied the knot on that layaway engagement string he placed on your finger a decade ago). That’s optimal. You should at least go read that before proceeding. But, if not, no judgement. Here, some tips await you that don’t necessarily rely on emotional effort or romantic connection.

5. Separate sheets

Ah, yes. You play verbal tug of war by day and blanket tug of war by night. At least you’re consistent! (Sarcastic high five!) However, should you tire of that, just put an end to it by buying a new blanket. One just for you. Not to be shared. For a real floor-your-partner flourish, hide it under the bed and wait to break it out until he or she’s all swaddled in the shizzy old quilt you used to share before your nice, warm upgrade. Then, boom! Random, brand new fleece appears from thin air. Caveat: make sure it’s way better than the first blanket and make a real show of it, too. There’s no better soporific than random acts of pettiness. (#FactsIJustMadeUp)

(Really, though: even in a healthy relache, this’s brilliant. Don’t let bedtime resentment spill into the next day…)

6. Switching sides

Disney level romance or not, this tip applies to everyone. And by switch sides, I mean the side of your own body – not necessarily sides of the bed. See, there’s a common misconception that you’ve gotta be two human vines all night, interlocked until you’re so close that you’re conjoined and breathing each other’s ejected carbon dioxide fumes until you mutually die of hypoxia. This is dumb. It means you’re only ever on your left or right side each night if you stick to this. Rolling over and going back to back isn’t some sleeptime symbolism for not loving eachother. No. Quite the opposite, actually. Think about it. What’s the most effective way you two would blaze through a pack of zombies together when the world ends and the dead traverse the earth? Back to back. Guns blazing. Covering each others’ sixes, literally, with each others’ sixes so you’re able to see ’em coming from every direction. And what’s more romantic that murdering ambulating cadavers together? Exactly. Nothing. So, make a note: spine to spine slumbers aren’t a sign of end times in a relache. Nah. That’s the sign of a legit power couple.

7. Shop

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe the cruddy energy of your coupling is due to the cruddy energy from a cruddy slumber caused by a cruddy body cradle? A bad mattress can cause all the tossing and turning that’s making you subconsciously loathe your beau in the first place. Fix that, and maybe you’ll both fall asleep so all else can fall into place. Ready to make this necessary investment? Make a whole date of it. Go to the store and treat yourselves to a new snooze pad you each can enjoy. And maybe a pillow that allows for your S.O. to breathe better so you don’t hafta smother him with the one at home when he starts snoring again. And maybe separate beds a few eves a week.

(I joke, but honestly: this’s made my relache monumentally better than any other I’ve ever had)

Once you juggle the elements of kids, chores (not saying the two are mutually exclusive; not saying they aren’t…), early wake ups, and late nights, it can be pretty tough to manage some of the stuff on this list. (Or the previous one.) But, so frequently, if we see one thing we can’t manage (or aren’t willing to), we don’t even bother to try any of the other stuff. This is a mistake. Who knows, maybe by aiming low and giving one of the simpler tips a try – we might just end up not only resting well at night, but better connecting with our partner by day – and turning our formerly horrible cycle into a serene one.

6 Tips For a Better Slumber Beside Your Lover (Part 1)

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They’re snoring. They’re thrashing.

They-… wait.

Are we sure that’s still bae in your bed? Not an alligator doing the death roll next to you?

Yeah, I’ve been there. And, to be fair, so has my poor boyfriend, often at the receiving end of my Bruce Lee moves, anytime he tries to slide into bed next to me. We don’t always rest well next to each other. But, as ever, this fact made me super confused. And why would it when it’s so common? Because, when I mash the romantic rewind switch to about a year ago, I don’t recall this prob existing. For some of you, that backward button to month number one might take a little longer. But, once you get there, what do you see? Do you remember spending nights blissed out in the arm pit of the human puzzle piece that was just made for you? Or your boo thang resting angelically on your chest? (And not wanting to hurl her across the wall cuz she was crushing the cage your lungs live in?) And waking up like a Disney princess with sunshine gently caressing you two awake against the backdrop of birdsong, all under a Nicholas Sparks cinematic filter?

Yeah, me too. And, to be fair, some nights/mornings with my love are still like this. But not as many as there were in the beginning. So why’s this happening? Is it the sign of a relache gone stale? Are we doomed? Should we just stop sleeping together and unfriend eachother from Facebook and breakup? Nope. See, the thing is, at the start of a coupling, some things are happening that start to wane as we get complacent in a relache. We get comfy. And, after that, we stop doing those things. And all we hafta do is add ’em back in to not only recharge our human Duracell during the night but our dynamic overall with that fleshy snoring sack next to us that we fell in love with some time ago. So what shortcomings are making for a short and fitful sleep? What should we bring back to make our relaches great again?

1. Stow the phone

I’m an avid social media scroller. I hate that I am, it’s a total FOMO based addiction, and it means I’m a digital sheep; but let’s call a thing a thing. That said, I can recall when I first fell in love with my dude. I think three days went by where I didn’t check my IG or Snapchat. Why? I was focused and connected to an actual, human person – which is much more rewarding than randos you can’t even see. By spending more time with him and less time on my device, there was a trifecta effect: the first is oxyticin release – the cuddle hormone that you get when connecting with a person (which relieves stress and helps you rest better). The second was the absence of feeling neglected – which you feel when the other person’s hovering over a phone in lieu of talking to you (the stress of that’s like anxiety caffeine). And the third? Less blue screen time before bed (AKA: less brain activation keeping you awake). Reclaim that connection by shelving your cell a bit more when you’re together.

2. Schmexy time

How’s your sex life? (Just kidding I don’t care. No. Really. I’m serious. I was kiddin-STOP SHARING, OMG, TMI!) Okay, hopefully everyone’s enjoying decent and frequent freak-age. But your nightly demise might be in the timing. According to some studies, knocking boots right before bed gets those aforementioned oxytocin levels flooding through you fresh so you can get straight to snoozing once you’ve both… gotten there. (And, make no mistake, “getting there” is indeed key for both parties.) So get some booty and beauty sleep back to back. Or front to back. Or front to…

(You get the idea.)

3. Supper and share

So we’ve already said stow the phone and connect instead. Well, what better way to do that than by dining at the same time? Try enjoying a meal sans whatever series you’re addicted to ATM. Maybe play a board game as you eat. And, if your schedules are too different to make a meal meeting happen, maybe settle for some wine and gin after din. (No, not literally mixing the drinks two together. Ew; what kind of social troglodyte do you think I am?) I mean unwinding with your elixirs of choice over a game of cards (something easy like gin rummy) while dishing about your days. Protip? Even though you’re tired and your ego’s on override, try to really tune into your partner and make sure they feel heard. A mutual exchange of that nature makes for – you guessed it – a fresh prescription from your hormonal pharmacy of anti-anxiety, natural ambien.

4. Separate yourselves

You may’ve noticed a theme thus far. (Aside from my endlessly impressive ability to alliterate subheadings.) And that’s the magical, Lunesta level effect of oxytocin on allowing for sleep beside that someone spesh. So let’s backtrack. When is it that you want to do any of this with your partner anyway? We can’t just force it. Going through the motions doesn’t necessarily generate oxytocin or endorphins. We have to want it. So when is it that you want the love makery ‘n afternoon chats? It’s when you’re attracted to your partner. And when are two magnets most attracted to eachother? Is it when they’re stuck together? Nope. They don’t wanna link up then, because they already are. They’re so close, in fact, they can’t even see each other. This is what happens in relationships so often. We’re in such proximity and see our partner as so predictable that they’re just like another limb of our own boring bodies. So give your partner a chance to see you as you. Individually. Step away, do some self care, make time for some passions or hobbies (however small) that show them you’re not just a fleshy extension of them, but your own tree with surprise roots and branches they’ve never seen before but wanna get to know. (Don’t ask me how this metaphor morphed from magnets to branches; just go with it.) The renewed attraction will do three things: make you happier, inspire them to maybe grow some new branches themselves, and reignite the attraction, ultimately bringing your tree magnets together. (Yep. Tree magnets. That’s where this symbolism ends up. Deal with it.) And this has bigger implications – not only for sleep – but for your romantic interaction as a whole. The opposite of love isn’t hate, but apathy – feeling a lack of any kinda passion from or for our partner. By keeping this at bay with active acts of romance and emotional intimacy, we keep our relationships alive and awake when we are so that we can get some decent delta waves when our brains don’t wanna be.

And don’t worry, you “we’re-just-together-for-the-kids” couples.

I know the matrimonial roommate ruse all too well. After all, I was raised by a pair’ve practitioners of exactly that. (Cheers, mom ‘n pops!) And while the selflessness versus stupidity factor of that practice is questionable (protip: kids pick up on negative energy, no matter how David Blaine magician level great you think you are at hiding it), we don’t wanna exacerbate poor lifestyle choices with a bad night’s sleep. That can’t help anything. So, if you’re just looking to get by until you can kick the chicks from the nest and enjoy a nice midlife crisis, here are some tips.

Keep reading for ways to get you twoz through a night sans a stabbing that has you starring on tomorrow’s news…

How To Look Fresh After an Awful Non-Sleep

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Little league games.

Project deadlines.

The car breaking down in the middle of the freeway on your busiest day, ever.

There’re plenty’ve legit “not a problem you brought on yourself” reasons for why you might not have gotten a good sleep this week. It’s the nature of the battle that is being human. Honestly, sometimes a good night’s rest’s just not in the cards for us. But the show must go on, am I right? And we can’t have you looking like an exhumed cadaver all day long. So what’s the fix? How can you make yourself look effortlessly refreshed – even when you spent the night, wide eyed and numbering imaginary woolen animals, to no avail?

Although I’m not a fan of masking bad habits, I can admit that I’ve definitely been there. And once the cruel light of morning’s come and the damage of nocturnal sabotage has already been done, all I want is a cure. Something to get me through the next day. I mean, there are plenty of ways to keep your body and mind awake. (Hello, Pez dispenser loaded with espresso coffee beans.) But when you have to interact with fellow species members for your job all day, the eyes don’t lie. With a pair’ve puffy fuschia sacks dangling under them, those peepers won’t keep secret the fact that you had a horrid sleep. They’re the windows to the soul. So what kinda glass cleaner can you use to make that view a little prettier and perkier?

Glad you asked.

When I hafta drag my haggard face through the day, my first concern’s ensuring I don’t do it looking like Benicio del Toro.

(“Whatever, bish. These are Prada.” #FairEnough)

Unfortunately for Benny, I think it’s genetic. But, for the rest of us, one big fix for this is agua. And lots of it. Then, for the day ahead, avoid salty stuff and anything that’ll make you retain water. (Yes, we’re talking about that fast food lunch and sugary coffee.) In fact, a protip to follow even if you can’t get to bed on time tonight is that you can attack saggy ocular skin tomorrow by doing two things this eve: elevating your head when you do (finally) turn in and turning down that Sauvignon beforehand. Salt and alcohol make for aqueous retention while a noggin that’s not elevated creates fluid buildup under your eyes. Not a cute combo.

Equally opposite of cute?

The no snooze raccoon look.

Yes, that whole trash panda thing is cute in exactly one instance: if you’re a trash panda.

So how can we nix dark circles? Well, you know how you drink caffeine to wake your brain up? It also works for those unwanted lavender lower lids that shouldn’t exist. Get a cheap, caffeinated eye cream or roller and slather a layer of that good stuff on first thing in the morning. Why? Because caffeine works on those blood vessels to constrict them. Likewise, so does ice. (Or anything chilly, really.) So, for an effective twofer, pop your product o’ choice in the fridge between uses, so the cold can double your efforts. (Eye-forts? No? Too much?) And if the color’s still too much after all that, you might wanna smite those purple purses beneath your peepers with some concealer. (Talking to the chicks and open minded dudes who don’t subscribe to heteronormative expectations now, obvi.)

(In which case, I say just go Drogo level draggy with the face paint. Embrace those ebony rings, girl.)

However, if you’re new here in cosmeticopolis, you’ll wanna find the right shade. Don’t just go for the same foundation you’re geisha’ing across the rest of your face. I read somewhere that putting light colored concealer over under eye circles is like putting a white shirt over a black bra. Ratchet and a half. (Unless you happen do that, in which case: omggg that looks so cuuuute on you…) To avoid that, you wanna go for a complementary color to cancel it out – like mayhaps a shade with a tinge of yellow in it. For me, I like to get all my shiz in one place, so I go with the Garnier under eye roller. It’s got the caffeine and it’s slightly tinted. Simple. Plus, since it’s a roll on applicator, there’s no concern about getting messy creams all over the place or waiting ages for your skin to soak it up. I just pop it under my eyes first thing in the morning so it has time to absorb the caffeine.

Obviously, you can’t sub a quick fix in for a legit slumber. Not consistently, anyway. It’s not a long term solution. But, when the struggle bus is the only ride you can hitch through this city called life and it’s not making long stops in Slumberville, you’ve gotta improvise. It’s basic survival. (Surv-eye-val? Still no? Geez, tough crowd.) And, until you can capture some quality mattress hours…

Hopefully these anti haggard hacks can at least help you look like you did.

Sarcastips: 6 Sleep Hacks You Definitely Haven’t Heard

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Are you ready for some diesel grade sleep tips?

Good. ’cause we’re jumping right in today.

No annoying intro. No background on why sleep’s important. Just tips you’ve never read before.

So, here we go:

1. Stay up late

Don’t have to be at work til 10? Then you can totally go to bed at midnight. I mean, 8 hours is 8 hours right? It doesn’t matter that months of doing this have added massive bags under your eyes and made you wake up in Arby’s parking lots with sauce all over your face. The logic makes sense to you, so just stick with the A.M. bedtimes. Cuz repeating the exact same stuff and expecting different results is totally sane.

2 Waste time on social media

Don’t listen to the innumerable studies or mind the imaging studies of your mind snorting up lines of iPhone. Don’t heed the research saying that too much scrolling addicts and depletes the function of your brain, contributing to depression and fatigue. If I can’t snort, smoke or drink it, it’s not a drug and it’s not messing with anything. Much like the myth of carbon monoxide, we all know that what you can’t see can’t hurt you. Plus, all that awful posture you stick yourself in while Smoegal’ing over your phone means you’ll toss and turn in bed later, which totally burns calories and eventually wears you out so you fall asleep. Win-win, am I right?

3. Drink caffeine and just counteract it later

No caffeine in the afternoon? Who came up with that wheelbarrow full’ve of BS? I mean, really. How do they expect me to get through the second half of my day? Oh, I get it, you think it’ll keep me up late tonight when it’s shut eye time. No worries, love. That’s what tip number 4 and/or 5 is for…

4. Alcohol

Sure, I come home a little keyed up from caffeine, stress, and the chronic fantasy all commute long of taking a flamethrower equipped tank through traffic, mowing down all of I-95, and Optimus priming into a chopper that GTFO’s before the authorities arrive. That’s true. But that’s what alcohol is for. It doesn’t matter if studies have shown how it just makes you more restless all night after luring you in with a false sense of serenity initially. (Or that it eventually doesn’t work at all after you build a tolerance.) Maybe just drinking more will help. I mean, it’s totally worked for everyone else you know who does it. Right? Plus, caffeine’s non-negotiatiable, buddy. So this has to be too.

Unless…

5. Drugs

… Unless Lunesta? Or Ambien? I mean why not take a pill every night to fall asleep? The guy in the white coat who gets an extra check for every bottle of it he prescribes to me and the other twitchy patrons I’m in his waiting room with said it’s safe. So, who cares if the side effect list is so long you can’t read it even with a subatomic particle microscope? Who cares if you wake up inside your own oven wearing tin foil and rocking a reverse Mohawk? At least you slept (kinda) right?

6. Work in bed

Fine. Maybe we took it a bit far. Mayhaps we should venture in the other direction and let productivity wear us down in lieu. Surely sitting in bed, replying to emails and writing drafts for work can’t be adverse to nap time? Right? Right, then. Fastforward to nine or ten-ish. We feel good ’cause we got a good productive hour under our belts before bed. So, let’s wrap up, put it to the side, lay down, and turn the lights out. Now I can slee-… Oh wait – dd I save that draft? (*Checks phone. Puts back down. Closes eyes.*) Oh wait – did I actually send Becky the attachments in that email? (*Checks phone. Puts back down. Closes eyes.*) WAIT- did I set my alarm?!

Yeah, working from bed is working so well.

Okay.

By now you probably (hopefully) understand that this list of sleep anathema is actually satire. (Right? We get that?) As promised, these are 6 tips you’ve never heard – mostly because no sane person would ever say them. But then, let me ask you this: if this is such clearly terrible advice no one would ever follow, ever, when they wanted a good sleep, then why are we taking it? Because that’s what we’re all doing when we sofa surf into the witching hour or stay up late on our devices – regardless of whether it’s to drool over soche-meed feeds or get actual work done.

I’ll tell ya why. Because we don’t know how to balance, most of us. We’re so addicted to our waking lives that we don’t put enough effort into our resting lives. But the reality’s that each one should be preparation for the other. Getting to sleep earlier takes into consideration that we’ll be able to wake up earlier with a quality rest fueling us through the day. And avoiding chemicals that make us restless takes into consideration that we want to get to sleep earlier, so all’ve that can actually happen. In reality, if we just started slumbering earlier, we could wake up earlier to get all our busy work done. We’d be rested enough to skip that afternoon second triple shot latte that keeps us doing the human rotisserie, spinning around on the mattress all night. We’d get more accomplished (thanks to an optimally operating brain that can properly task manage) so we wouldn’t have to sit stiff in bed, wide eyed and wired with stress.

Imbalance is why we take the bad advice no one (but our self destructive side) would be dumb enough to give.

Realize and change that, and you can reclaim your whole life by balancing out its lucid and snoozy sides.

Does too little (or much) time in bed get you dead quicker?

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We keep trying to whittle the number down.

“Just how little sleep can I get by on, so I can wake up and resume the nightmare that is my life?”

We aren’t asking because we’re amped about waking up weary and dragging our reluctant backbones through another drudgery filled week. It’s because we’re up late working on projects. Studying. Finishing chores. Or, worse, when we finally can climb under the covers, we’re in the midst of a cognitive tornado. Ever had that? It’s a natural disaster; the emotional equivalent of chugging a pot’ve coffee for dessert. Here you obeyed the laws of eschewing Starbucks by noon. And your reward? The same results as if you had: a brainstorm featuring all the worst case scenarios life could possibly offer. It’s stress on steroids. Then, on top of everything, we keep cycling back to the gas that fuels this god awful thought carousel – “how many hours of sleep can I get if I just shut my $%^& mind off right now?”

So, that’s it. That’s the real reason we wonder how little sleep we can glide by on.

We don’t want less sleep. We just want science to say it’s okay for us to get less sleep. And, according to a 2010 study, it is fine. That is, if you don’t mind dying a littler earlier. See, they rounded up some subjects to test the limits. How would you do on 5 hours of sleep? 6? How about 6.5? And the results spoke for themselves:

Adjusted survival functions estimated 61% survival (54%–69%, 95% C.I.) for those with sleep less than 300 min and 78% survival (73%–85%, 95% C.I.) for those with actigraphic sleep longer than 390 min, as compared with survival of 90% (85%–94%, 95% C.I.) for those with sleep of 300–390 min. Time-in-bed, sleep efficiency and the timing of melatonin metabolite excretion were also significant mortality risk factors.

That said, it’s not an upward trend. We live in a society of extremes. We think if a little’s good, then more’s even better. But, really, it looks like 6.5 – 7 is the magic number. While we’ve known that on the quality of life front for a while, it’s not always been clear on a longevity level. (Especially after the myth you’ve likely heard your whole life about 8 hours being ideal.) But, sure enough, that same study showed that “those who reported 7 hours of sleep had survived longer than those who slept 8 hours or more, casting doubt on the 8-hour belief.”

So, what do you do with this information? As with any study, you read it with a pair’ve specs that’re set on a critical filter. In other words, you take what you want out of it. Scientific studies are stellar for setting a guideline. The results should be taken into consideration, but not utilized as infallible blueprints. I mean, what happens when you go home tonight, the night after, and the next – unable to fall asleep? Unable to get the rest this research claims you require to respire longer than the five hour nappers? You get even more anxious, and that number plummets to four hours. What’s more, even if you get a full five or six or seven, you’re perpetually stressed about it – diminishing your quality of life. All because of a study that wasn’t done on you. And why are we holding research in such high esteem? After all, remember when that 8 hour figure was the infallible figure with which we had to comply or die? That came from “research” too. Now they’re telling us you’ll get dead quicker on 8 than 7. Who knows, next year they might say we can get by on even less sleep. And that’s not to say science is all wrong. Epigenetics is a definite factor here. Maybe we’re evolving right before our scientists’ very goggle sheathed peepers.

And if you’re still dead set (no pun intended) on getting by with fewer Z’s, put this legally prescribed herbal verbage in your pipe and try smoking it before bedtime to set your head at ease: See, they say longevity increases with that added bit of mattress time. But I’ve gotta wonder (and you might too), about what’d happen if you were to add up all those hours. Really. If you summed up the seconds spent reveling in what they call the cousin of death (’cause you’re essentially inert both in the casket and on the mattress) with the aim of trying not to maim yourself prematurely…

Would it even out with the extra time you would’ve spent dead anyway by waking up earlier?

So rest easy and enjoy sweet dreams.

Short and sweet, even.

Try this trifecta at night for a fabulous slumber

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A wise man once asked:

(In unison: “Yes. Yes we do.”)

The problem?

If you’re anything like me, ya gotta lot going on. Too much for snoozing to come easily when it should. Between physical therapy clinicals and my miscellany of other interests, I’m busy. Just like you. And, by the end of the day, I’ve got this awful combo of fatigue and a tension that just won’t let me rest. Sound familiar? Of course it does. It’s downright difficult to dial down when your carnal sack’s coursing with adrenaline after a long day. I mean, it totally makes sense. You spend your whole day having to problem solve and stay on your A game. That brain state doesn’t just dissipate on command ’cause your rump hits the couch. So, what do we do? Well, watch an episode of our latest entertainment addiction, obviously (and by “an episode” I mean five to ten), head to bed later than anticipated, and wake up feeling un-wonderful AF – contemplating whether we should visit our doc to request a shiny new Lunesta addiction.

(True story.)

Now, I’ve had just enough awareness to realize I was doing this each night.

But what I was missing for a bit was the willingness to actually fix it. Why? Because I thought it meant forfeiting that one time of night I get to just kinda go brain dead and let my mind be passively delighted by the digital puppet show that is Netflix’s visual buffet. (Ya know – the whole “don’t have too much screen time before bed” thing.) That or having to resort to pharmaceuticals. (Which is something I’d neither advocate nor do myself.) That is, until I found the halfway happy medium that is the holistic remedy aisle in Wegman’s. Now, if you’ve wandered through the various article corridors of this lovely site, you’ve probably seen me mention a few. But, prior to this year, I never really had to put this stuff to the stress test of managing two jobs, school, clinical affiliations, relationships, and a bunch’ve other stuff that’s relevant to me but not to you. You get the idea, though. The legit test is how well something works when sleep’s more elusive than an agoraphobic unicorn.

And, after many eves of employing my body as a laboratory…

Here’s my own soon-as-you-get-home trifecta for a restful cessation to your day.

1.) Some sweet azz rest pellets

These little slumber bullets are the bomb dot calm.

You pop a couple under your tongue, and you’re feeling serene in seconds.

2.) Snooze booze

Okay, it’s not actually booze. At all.

But, if you’re not into the sublingual thing, this stuff works almost even better. See, magnesium’s a known natural muscle relaxer – making this an excellent elixir for tranquilizing yourself after a long day. (Minus any side effects.) The plus? If you’re a non drinker like me, but kinda miss drinking something fruity that erases the brain pain of your day and releases those truculent trap muscles holding your neck ‘n shoulders hostage, this is perfect. The bubbly raspberry lemon flavor turns regular water into hippie champagne. Which, in a way, makes it kinda spiritual for you Christian folks. (Or, ya know, me a sacrilegious heathen for saying that. Whatevz.)

3.) Sleepytime tea

Then again, if you like rest beverages, but carbonation’s not your thing, opt for this hot badboy.

Don’t let the box fool you. It’s not innocuous. But it will knock you on yo azz. Main precaution? Set your alarm before you partake. I shiz you not, within fifteen minutes of sipping a cup’ve this stuff, you’re gonna go from upright and chuckling at the latest “Parks ‘n Rec” episode, to yawning and horizontal on your sofa. So have all your pre-sleeptime ablutions and other chores sorted out ahead’ve time.

And then, finally, if you’re about as easy to put to sleep as a Grizzly Bear on crystal meth, then do what I do. Try all three.

And that’s it. Three easy solutions that’re all over the counter and safe…

So you don’t hafta lose (any more) sleep fretting about potential side effects.