How my steamy bedroom habits are hampering my sleep…

If you’re like me (and you loathe cold weather), you might have a high energy bill this time of year.

(Which, parallels that too-high thermostat setting of yours.)

“Let’s keep the excessive heat theme going and just set it on fire…”

For me, it’s because I like to pretend summer hasn’t even left at all. By keeping the thermostat at a steady 80-something, I can carry on with donning shorts and tank tops while I perform assorted chores around the house (and then gear up like an astronaut departing his spaceship each time I leave). But could my affinity for an Amazon-like atmosphere be decimating bed time for me? Are my temps too high to fall asleep?

Yes, say the snooze specialists. By about ten to twenty degrees.

According to medical director at Charlottesville Neurology & Sleep Medicine, Dr. Christopher Winter, it should feel more like winter in my room (well, compared to the hotbox I currently call home, anyway) regardless of the season. And what’s the perfect range? For your best rest, it’s suggested that you maintain a bedroom temp of between 60 to 67 degrees Fahrenheit. Anything higher than 75 degrees (or lower than 54 degrees for that matter – we don’t want it too wintry) can sunder your slumber.

Initially, I did an eye-roll over this one (mostly because: denial). But that’s the beautiful thing about science, they say – it’s true whether or not you believe in it. And the truth behind a nippier night is this: throughout the duration of the day, your body’s temps oscillate up and down. Then, in the evening, as you start to drift off, it does this natural cooling off thing on its own. Attaining that lower temp expediently is the key to that cognitive clocking out we all crave by the day’s end. Thus, if you keep it cooler, that can happen faster.

Contrarily, if you sleep in a sauna like I do, then the opposite thing will happen. That’s when the body’s gotta work overtime to power down. Because my meatbag’s machinery is doubling its efforts to regulate my own temp (amidst this ridiculous heat I insist on keeping at full blast), the end result is me tossing and turning all night long. Voila. One more bad bedtime habit I’ve got to add to the list – along with my too early alarm clocks, too late caffeine vices, and unfavorable feng shui.

So, fellow heat junkie insomniacs, let’s all try a masochistic experiment for the next week.

Let’s lower the thermostat at bedtime and see if our sleep doesn’t collectively improve.

The good news? Even if it doesn’t, our respective bills certainly will.

“Day 1: Tomorrow begins my secret side life of crime to afford the former warmth I’m missing already…”

Can’t sleep? Try some rabbit smack!

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It’s not often you’ll see dope sold over the counter.

Alright, alright… while wild lettuce extract isn’t exactly that, it has indeed earned the street name of “opium lettuce” thanks to its narco-like qualities of mild euphoria. (Coupled with the fact that the plant itself oozes a sap not unlike a poppy does.) A perfect sleep aid (if taken in moderation). For this reason, the stuff’s become popular for many a restlessness related malady – from relentless anxiety to recurrent insomnia. That’s right. Some unique strain of that unassuming food that lightning fast bunnies eat… can slow your body and brain down enough to conquer the sleep beast.

And that might be because of its analgesic (comparable to ibuprofen, they say) properties. In fact, the stuff’s been so effective as such that it dates back to Nefertiti times. The ancients realized early on that it could quell everything from sleeplessness to sexaholism – along with muscle aches, period cramps, and even that hematoma I’ve got on my arm from muay thai class. And, if I’m being honest, a lot of these little aches and pains I ignore all day are often the reason my brain can’t saunter off to sleepsville in the evening. My too tense shoulders. My too tight hips. My locked up face muscles that feel like my jaw’s been stitched shut by some inimical Grimm’s Brothers grandma character. Back in my valium days, all’a that would go away double fast after a dose of benzo. The problem with that being that A.) drugs like valium are addictive, and B.) The condition becomes worlds worse the second that sedative is missing. Which is why we’re entertaining the option of OTC wild lettuce today.

And what do the professionals have to say about it?

Well, per herbalist Dr. Christopher Hobbs:

“Wild lettuce is a mild sedative and nervine used for restlessness and insomnia. It may be found in a variety of formulas for the treatment of acute and chronic insomnia. It is used homeopathically for restlessness and insomnia (Boericke, 1927). Because of its safety of use and calming effects, wild lettuce is a good children’s remedy.”

And what about applications?

According an alternative medicine website, it’s said that “ a study published in the Journal of Ethnopharmacology in 2006 found that lactucin and lactucopicrin (chemicals naturally present in wild lettuce) reduced pain and promoted sedation when given to mice.”

Well, that sounds nice. But I was still bothered about the lack of human tests.

So I set sail on my Google ship to Amazon island, and got the next best thing to scientific human testing.

Human testimonials:

(No need to count sheep after counting all those stars. This stuff just might be the answer.)

As for me, personally, I generally prefer to stick with the stuff from the tea aisle until I’ve got a bit more on the research front. If I’m being honest, initially it vexed me that few human studies’ve been done with the stuff to prove its efficacy or safety. However, looking at the reviews, it made me remember something: if big pharma either can’t profit from something or sees it as competition because it’s a natural remedy they don’t own, then they would probably counter any research efforts on the stuff. Or at least not fund it. So, as ever, do your own research before listening to what some chick on the interwebz has to say. Because I’m that chick and I still wanna look it up a bit more before ordering my own. And, as ever, after you’ve tried and survived it, come report your findings back here like my sweet scientific canaries that you are.

Oh, and word of warning to recreational users seeking bunny dope while their dealers are on holiday:

This legal brand o’ hare-oin won’t get you high in large doses.

Just a more irreversible, permanent version of what everyone else came to this article for – sleep.

Can these daily tips mitigate your nightly rest? (Part 2)

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In the last piece on preparing by day for better nights, we covered some crucial points.

Namely they surrounded your tasks, technology, and tonics. The pros purport that you should do your chores early, stop technology use early, and forget the frappucinos six hours of less before bed – if you want your time there to be quality level. Now, we’ll carry on with that list by knocking out another three: cardio, cobweb clearing, and conventions. Here’s why you wanna exercise, take un-naps, and create special rituals before your nightly R&R.

4. Exercise, not excuses

Yes, I can already hear you making the excuses.

And they’re all brilliant and great ones – don’t get me wrong. Some of them are even pretty creative. But you know what they aren’t? Effective in helping you sleep sans the side effects of whatever else you’ve been using as a shoe in. ‘cause studies suggest you’ll fall asleep faster and have a better overall rest if you do make time… in lieu of excuses. In fact, research has shown that any time you make for cardio – even right before lights out – is better than none at all. So we can add “it’s too late” to the erroneous excuse list, too. Unless, of course, your doctor has said you shouldn’t. (And you’re not your own doctor.)

“Just another night at the bar… get it? Ahhh? Get it?!”

5. Un-napping

The problem with nap-taking is that, when you get past a certain point in your napping, you start a whole sleep cycle and wake up cranky because your body thought it was getting a full night’s rest when instead your iphone’s jangle awakened you halfway through back into the unwelcome light of day. (Which you now have to finish while feigning that you’re refreshed.) Instead, some researchers have suggested everything from the likes of an “Un-nap” (a somatic mind-body practice that re-calibrates you) to the Einstein power nap (A 20 minute nap while holding an object to preclude you from falling into deep sleep – but still allow you to the benefits of body and brain rest). And when should you do either’a these? Prior to 4 in the afternoon, it’s said.

Oh, and then, of course there’s meditation which you can do any damned time you please.

6. Make a pre-bed ritual

One thing I didn’t know till just now: your body needs at least half an hour to relax pre-sleep.

This’s probably why they say to toggle off electronics 30 minutes before takeoff in your dream shuttle. And, what should you do in that time? Some reach for non-fiction (not on a kindle) in dim lighting (though not too dim – because: vision). Some do yoga or meditation. For me, I make a list of tomorrow’s to-do’s – so that I won’t be plagued by some abstract concept of them as I fall asleep (or upon waking). I’ll know they’re waiting there, all in order, to be done when it’s time to. And another recent one I liked? The trigger point self massage technique. The idea is that you undo all the stress you’ve accrued in your shoulders from poor posture all day – via tennis ball and deep relaxation techniques.

“These blue balls keep the Sandman from blueballing my sleep stiffy.”

That last one’s actually come to be my favorite when I’m unwilling and unmotivated to do the others.

Thus, speaking of unwilling and unmotivated, if you’ve read this whole thing, thinking “But, I don’t wanna,” then at least try this mental exercise. Fast forward to tonight. When you’re laying in bed, fried but untired enough to float off into sub-conscious bliss. Just like last night. And probably the night before. Wishing you’d better prepped, am I right? Good.

So let’s rewind back to now, where the day’s your oyster.

And shuck that shiz with these six tips, so you can chuck the chemicals come comatose o’ clock.

Can these daily tips mitigate your nightly rest? (Part 1)

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So, you’re laying there wide eyed and unable to shutter your lids for sleep’s sweet release.

“Why me? Is it punishment for having perfect hair? I feel like it’s punishment for having perfect hair…”

And it doesn’t make sense, seeing as you’ve tried every OTC (and maybe a dose or two of non-OTC) remedies to knock you TFO. What’s missing here? What’ve you done wrong? According to the bedtime gurus, it might just boil down to the same reason we fail exams, blow big interviews, and get knocked out in the ring 20 seconds in:

Lack of preparation.

“Prepare how?” you might ask. I mean, isn’t sleep a natural body function your flesh husk should just power off and do without you having to design your waking days around it? While the answer, in a perfect Platonic world filled with lavender infused posturpedic pillows, would be yes – we unfortunately don’t live there. Where we live, in lieu, is in a land filled with foes of dozing. Our A.M.’s to afternoon are spent chemically catching our tails (by chucking espresso at ‘em) and injecting toxic thoughts into our noggins regarding the litany of to-do’s we choose to worry about.

The fix?

According to WebMD, there’re some great tips on how to better prep for rest time.

For instance…

1. Do your “don’t wanna” list early.

By the time I get home from work, the last thing I wanna do is vacuum, put away dishes, do laundry, or – yes- even write articles like these. This is why I fit exactly half an hour into my mornings before work to devote to all of that nonsense. In fact, I’ve tried to save that stuff for nighttime before and you know what happens? A whole lotta nothing. Not surprising, says Tracey Marks, author and doctor specializing in sleep, stating that our brains are “better primed for mental tasks in the morning when sunlight suppresses the production of melatonin, a sleep-inducing hormone.”

Which totally explains why I’m asking “what are clothes, even?” come evening, and making this face:

“What if clothes are actually alien life forms that take turns taking over our bodies…Like symbiote Spiderman?
Yeah. I’m not cleaning you bastards.”

2. Power down a half hour out

If you’ve spent any time on this site, you may’ve seen more than one article about “blue light before bedtime” – and what a no-no that is. Per the WebMD site, it’s suggested you set an “electronic” curfew, to include everything from your internet machine to that giant flat box mounted on your wall, displaying your endless DVR’d favorites you’ve been waiting all week to watch. They’ll still be there tomorrow night. So, jettison all’a that about a half hour before bed and keep ‘em covered. I would say that F.lux (an amber light filtered program that blocks blue light from electronics) is a good workaround. But after having used it for some time, I can say that while it’s definitely helpful for melatonin levels, the addictive tendency of technology alone can still keep your brain doing Nascar laps long after you hit the mattress.

3. Coffee clock out early

It might seem obvious that you shouldn’t have caffeine too close to closing up shop for the eve.

What might be less obvious, though, is just how far off you need to nix the refilling of your java jug. Per the pros, that figure is approximately 6 to 8 hours prior to bed. And which caffeinated culprits does this include? Coffee (obvi) – but also soda, energy drinks, and even tea. (And, yes, I assume your crack smoothie boosters euphemistically referred to as “pre-workout powders” count, for all my gym juggernauts out there.) But that’s not all. Actual amounts count too: no more than four 8 oz. cups o’ joe on the daily, they say. Unless you wanna end up fried like Fry.

“Post Starbucks binge thoughts: this is the second most expensive bad decision I’ve ever made involving stimulants.”

(Read on for why cardio and nightly rituals help you sleep while napping may actually hurt it…)

How an everyday itinerary can improve your sleep

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Ever tried to actually pick apart the thoughts keeping you up at night?

If the answer’s no, I get it. Generally, it all just turns into static anxiety for me, as well. However, not long ago, I had some success trying to dissect the thought pasta plaguing my attempt at a reprieve from the business of living from the comfort of my pillow. And you know what a lot of it boiled down to? Pondering the past and ruminating about the future. Two things that weren’t even happening at that moment. (Along with sleep, apparently.) It took me a while to realize how wasteful contemplating past events (which you can’t alter) is enough to stop doing it. And you can’t well handle the future, either (not from under a fleece blanket with your contacts out and invisalign in, anyway.) But what you can do is set a good intention. Or list of them. And, no, not just in the hippie, law of manifestation sense either. I mean, that’s great if that’s what you’re into. But I suppose what I really mean is molding the shape of your next day the night before – so that all of your tomorrow’s to-do’s are outlined already in the form of a brief itinerary come sunrise. Window blocks of time to take a bite outta every task you missed today, yesterday, and last week (which was when the deadline on about half’a them actually was.)

But first: why should you blindly listen to my advice?

Well, you shouldn’t. But what may make you want to is the fact that I’m a reformed black belt level procrastinator. Any task – no matter how simple – was no match for my avid sloth, numerous excuses, and compendium of well intended promises that I’d “get to it tomorrow”. Press me on it, and I’d get angry at you. I didn’t just shoot the messengers. I’d emotionally eviscerate ‘em. Once I had a bit of a wake up call and realized that sort’ve life was leading me in the opposite direction from contentment (and financial comfort), something dawned on me. My M.O. wasn’t working. I needed a new one. So, one day, when I had to wake up for an interview, I noticed how I’d sort’ve programmed my whole day around a task that was crucial, fitting in other stuff that was important to me peripheral to said priority. By the end of that day, I felt fulfilled, happy, and accomplished. A step closer to my ultimate life goals. There was my usual work I always did, yes. But I’d also fit in a bit of me time. And usual procrastination things like house chores, errand running, and finally emptying my mailbox. (Or trying to at least. By then it’d filled up so much that they returned everything to their senders. I digress.)

So what had I done differently, exactly?

I’d set an intention itinerary. An agenda for my day, broken into time blocks, and bordered by tasks and goals.

And all of the stuff mentioned above was written in it. Like a futuristic diary.

Except instead’a recording today’s musings, I’d map out tomorrow’s plans. Write reality into existence.

“In Soviet Russia, dear diary writes YOU.”

Realizing how effective this momentum based day planning was on my “big days”, I began trying to implement it into my every day routine. By taking ten to fifteen minutes each evening before non-electronic time, I changed my whole life’s productivity level and curtailed the cognitive mattress crap that keeps me up. Thus far, the most effective way I’ve found to do this is by typing it into the notes section of my phone. (Some of you might prefer pen-to-paper lists, though.) I call it an intention-erary. Why? Because you design it with life in mind. Life happens and you won’t always get the full list executed perfectly. The point is that at least you’re adding all your usual “let’s table this” tasks on there, along with the salient stuff, to be taken care of during a certain time tomorrow. So, when your day gets derailed by some d-bag fender bendering you, it’ll still be there on the list. And thus, it’ll at least be on your mind to get it done by some point. Even if you don’t do it right at 2:30, you wrote out the intention to do it, making it less easy to forget. And the rest of the design is super important too. It can’t all be drudgery; you have to inject a few rewards of some kind into it to fuel your own momentum fire. For me, this is how I keep myself on task and willing to follow my own agenda. It could be something small like a matcha latte I allow myself when I work. It could be a run I look forward to doing. It might be kickboxing class. Whatever it is, find something you enjoy and tell yourself you get to have it after the tasks’ve been attacked. This practice keeps me more focused on said tasks, more able to enjoy my reward during my days, and less fettered by decision fatigue come morning time.

But, most importantly, it’s stopped blocking nocturnal holidays away from consciousness.

And that’s an intention-erary goal itself I now can anticipate every evening.

Are you using the sauce as a soporific?

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“Just a little glass or two – to help me fall asleep…”

Sound familiar? Need a little nightcap to propel you into sweet wakelessness?

Are you a booze to snoozer?

Well, you’re in good company. Many a well-adjusted, functional adult adhere to an occasional evening ritual involving a bit of merlot or Miller or Maker’s. In fact, up to 15% of the population are said to imbibe before bed. Nothing drastic, mind you. Just enough to cool down the day’s brain engine and prepare to power off for the next several (seven if you’re smart and plan properly) hours before beginning anew. And, while the experts don’t necessarily admonish this sort’ve behavior, they do warn to take caution. ‘cause even though something more benign like wine is even said to have melatonin in it (helpful for rest time), even it can still interfere with sleep if ingested at the wrong time, in the wrong amounts, or too frequently. Thus, for the sporadic night-cappers out there, the pros have a few tips to make sure you can wake up just as easily as you pass out. Starting with timing:

1. Give yourself a few hours

No, I don’t mean spend several hours chugging your poison of choice. What they suggest, rather, is that you quit schwilling at least three hours prior to tossing in the towel. Why? Because studies have observed that drinking too close to lights out can potentially interfere with a good, deep, REM sleep. “Alcohol may seem to be helping you to sleep, as it helps induce sleep, but overall it is more disruptive to sleep, particularly in the second half of the night,” says sleep researcher Irshaad Ebrahim of The London Sleep Centre in the U.K. He adds that “Alcohol also suppresses breathing and can precipitate sleep apnea.”

2. Simmer down, now.

Does that goblet full’a Sauvignon have a set of gams I can’t see? If not, then that means it ain’t going anywhere. So, take your time. This can be tough for the typical high energy nine to fiver to do – because many of us are accustomed to speed eating on the run. So, take a few moments to slow yourself down. Savor the flavor. Enjoy what you’re consuming. ‘cause – especially if you’re doing this on the regular – two’s the max they suggest you should permit yourself. As for daily drinkers? Take a good, deep, look at whether that’ll work out for you in the long run. Per Ebrahim: “Alcohol should not be used as a sleep aid, and regular use of alcohol as a sleep aid may result in alcohol dependence.”

3. Sleep early

The flipside to the “three hour window” rule above? Don’t wait too long after that three hours to turn in. ‘cause if you stay up too late watching Game of Throne reruns, then the sleep-depriving effects of your favorite poison might be amplified.

4. Drank for drank

Remember college days? Waking up bathed in the remnants of leftovers from the fridge? And positively parched? That’s cause the sauce tends to dehydrate your body machine, which is never good for any of your physical functions, having a quality sleep, or trying to wake up tomorrow. The fix? Match every goblet of tasty toxins with one of water, they say.

In sum, it’s pretty much agreed within the med community that spirits aren’t acceptable as a regular doze inducer.

However, people – many of ‘em – are gonna drink. And so long as it’s limited to a non-chronic indulgence, most likely there ain’t nothing wrong with it. So just consider this little list o’ tips as being like the condom they hand out at prom – alongside abstinence bands.

Now, go forth and make good choices, my slumber hungry lushes.

Partner’s pharyngeal farts keeping you up at night?

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For a good while, after quitting snooze inducing pills, I had trouble sleeping.

My body was taut. My brain was a thought Audubon. Tension was relentless.

And the miscellaneous fixes and cures I’d try were good – but sometimes costly – or simply ineffective all on their own. Thus, I’d try a bunch at once: teas, evening yoga, and a good batch of free youtube hypnosis videos to refine my mind’s fried mattress ramblings into something more tranquil and calm. That was a nice one – that hypnosis. A good cherry topper to all of my other efforts. I’d developed a good system. I finally found a way to fall asleep most of the time… if I was alone. But nothing can prepare you for an ear piercing pillow pal’s respiratory vibrations.

“In two more seconds, this’s going over your face…”

No tea. No hypnosis. No strategically placed crystals amidst burning sage leaves. All that prep’s for naught when your cuddly companion’s soft palate morphs into a motor under the moonlight – like some serenity decimating werewolf. Now, I’m not one to indulge frequent same-room sleepovers – be they roadtrip pals or playmates. But, if you’re anything like me, one sleepless night’s one too many. And, by next go round, I need a worthy workaround on deck to keep me from going involuntarily homicidal in my subconscious stupor.

So, I wondered: is there a workaround here?

After consulting with my search engine sensei, yes. There are always workarounds. The first step you can try is asking your snoring amour if they know about it or what causes it. If they’re open to acknowledging it and fixing it, then you can start suggesting things like sleep studies to get at the root of the issue. And mayhaps a few OTC aids to counteract their pharyngeal flatulence. For instance, there’s “Breathe Right”, nasal decongestants (though you shouldn’t use ‘em for long), oral decongestants, and anti-snore pillows (which I only just learned are a thing) which impart some cephalic support while widening your breathing tube.

And if they’re not so open?

Then, ya got some personal soul searching to do. And I’ve found a couple of good answers in this genre. The first is to ask yourself: is being with this person worth the noisy nights? If so, is there anything I can do to handle it? Some experts suggest the likes of white noise recordings to battle the cacophony. Sounds of running water, birds, herds of African elephants – whatever does it for you – might serve as a sleep aid, despite the unwelcome peripheral purring of your partner. However, another answer I saw online by a random Quora answerer might be the most fascinating and worthwhile one I’ve heard yet:

I grew to enjoy it. It’s a reminder of her presence next to me and as I doze off to the noise (it really is a light snore) I think to myself how lucky I am to have her there snoring which I’d prefer to her not being there at all.

Hashtag: this all day long.

So, to recap: you can try changing the source of the stentorian snoring.

And, if they’re not feeling that, then you can try changing yourself.

And if both fail, just slip hypnosis infused headphones with normal respiratory affirmations over their slumbering skull.

(“And now onto part 3 of ‘The Uvula Whisperer’…”)

Or a nice plastic bag.

(Duh, of course I’m totally kidding on that last one. Plastic bags are bad for the environment.)

Best of luck, my fellow tympanically tortured friends.

How to pull the trigger(points) on sleeplessness

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Ever lay in bed – exhausted – yet unable sleep?

You’ve tried everything from teas to sheep counting… and each seems to be a band-aid treatment for the true issue:

Tension.

For a lot of us, we equate that tension to something mental. Little anxieties that’ve been tumbling in our minds like dryer contents all day, until alas, we’re left with the lint trap catching fire and immolating our downtime come nightfall. And, while that’s not entirely wrong, there is another approach to tackling the sleeplessness beast than beating our brains up for betraying us. Because, while the mind may’ve put the tension there, the body is its partner in crime. Often, we get more tense as thoughts assault us, which exacerbates the bad thoughts, until the whole thing becomes a vicious cycle. This goes doubly if we’re accustomed to poor posture from driving, typing, or constantly reaching down to kid-level to accomodate miniature humans. So, let’s try a quick exercise. Are you tense right now? You probably won’t even be aware if you’re used to it. Thus, for funsies, let’s just say you are. Now, close your eyes for a second and steady your breathing. Then, in about ten seconds, locate exactly where the physical tension is in your body. For many, it’s that area right in the upper shoulder area – all that stuff that gets tight when you’re doing any’a that daily activity stuff mentioned above.

And, yes, it can be the culprit keeping you up.

Why? Because tension and stress cause adrenaline spikes within your body.

Which, of course, morphs sleep into an uncatchable white rabbit.

The thing is that we get so used to putting up with that painful tightness. And, to a degree, that’s not bad. It’s a functional survival mechanism. We can’t very well manage a career and put food on the table (or in the to-go bag) if we’re calling in every other day because of a light migraine or cramped upper traps. We backburner discomfort until we get a free moment to deal with it. Only problem is, that if you stay busy enough, having to deal with body issues is just another chore no one wants to do by the time they’ve finally got a pocket o’ me time in their day (though evening’s probably more like it). By then, most folk want their reward in the form of a wine glass, prized time spent with kids, or QT with their main squeeze – dismissing our somatic needs for stress release all the while.

It’s not till we try to make our bodies do the nocturnal clock out that we’re forced to acknowledge its demands.

And, what’s the answer?

Why, a live in European masseuse, of course.

No. Not really. (I was actually hoping for a Ruby Sparks moment there – where maybe if I typed it, it’d come true.) But what you can sub in is a DIY massage – using a tennis ball (or, if you’ve heard of it – the “miracle ball” – which I adore). By planting that fuzzy neon sphere under your trigger points and relaxing onto it, you’re getting essentially the same effects as Sven digging his iron thumbs into your back meat. The method’s pretty simple: First step? You place the orb under your hot spot and lay gently on it. Second step? Count to eight seconds (full ones; AKA “one-one-thousand…two-one-th…”) and breathe deeply the entire time. Still tight after eight seconds? Keep going! Just avoid tensing up by continuing that deep, diaphragmatic breathing. In a way, this method’s far better than a masseuse. You don’t have to make an appointment, you know exactly where to position it on your pressure points, it’s cheaper, and… you don’t have to get up to lock the door after a tennis ball leaves. You can just fall asleep next to your therapist – no extra charge. (Just be careful not to fall asleep on top of it – they advise against this ‘cause the circulation gets cut off – and what we want is to promote blood flow and a relaxed state.) Indeed, after obsessively doing a version of this myself for several weeks, I can vouch for its au natural Ambien-esque-ness. Not just as a way to get to sleep, but as a way to get up the next A.M. in a li’l less pain and anxiety. So, I’d totally recommend it – if not in lieu of your nightcaps or tea cups – at least in addition to them.

Takeaway message here?

The next time sleep’s giving you the cold shoulder…

…try warming up yours with a li’l spherical stimulation.

Apnea? There’s an app for that. (And many other sleep syndromes.)

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After a few terrible nights’ sleeps, I’ve begun pondering that inquiry we all ask when at our tethers’ ends:

Should I get help?

Or, in this case: should I summon the phone robots to usher me back to the elusive world of dreamery? Maybe. ’cause after thumbing through a magazine a week or two ago, I saw this blurb on different sorts of sleep apps you can use to better your bedtime habits. And, it admittedly intrigued me. While I definitely don’t like being told what to do by some brick of glass and plastic, I was suddenly open to the idea. (#signsofsleepdeprivation) So, I did a bit o’ research on the top three – and figured I’d share what I found with you’z guys. Just in case you’re desperate too.

Here goes:

Sleeptime

With this app, you plop your phone on your mattress next to you and the thing just kinda tracks your body’s nocturnal wigglin’. Then, by the morning, when you’re in your lightest sleep phase, it awakens you (presumably with an alarm, but who knows for sure). Already, I’m a bit suspicious. Watching me while I sleep? And then waking me unwelcomely? Just when I thought my relache with my smartphone couldn’t get any unhealthier, it starts sounding painfully familiar to that one week long boyfriend I had in college who taught me that, yes, there’s a sixth sense – and it’s called somni-opti-ception: the feeling that someone’s eye beams are boring into you as you sleep.

Okay. Maybe I made that up. But f’real, though, while this gadget program sounds kinda cool and all, just how does it work? How can a device not connected to me possibly accurately detect my involuntary slumber wiggling? Truth is, some of the cheaper apps may not be perfect. But ones like the next one – Misfit Beddit – could, seeing as they come with bells and whistles that pick up on somatic signs of snooze patterns you could improve.

Misfit Beddit

With this guy, you attach this sensor strip accessory to your bedding before installing your app and sacking out. Once planted on your mattress, the belt can track motion, heart rate, and breathing each evening. What’s more, it also can detect how long you take to doze off. Following a few nights of this, the voyeur robot can collect all its data on your sleep patterns and give you advice on what you need to tweak. Same as the previous one – but more expensive at $150 because of the special strip it comes with. Which is slightly pricier than the SleepRate.

SleepRate

With this one – instead’ve’a strip – you use a heart rate sensor to track all the little twitches, noises, and whatever other weird subconscious habits you exhibit. Nothing is off limits. I’m pretty sure this thing’s on you – not the bed – so my guess is that (while it might take a bit to get used to) it’d be pretty accurate with the sleep score it issues you come morning. Especially since the dudes over at Stanford were the ones to create it. Price? Half a hundred less than the Beddit at $99.

In the end, these seem like they might be worth the effort. And – if I were willing to fork over funds for any of ’em – I’d probably put my money on the SleepRate since it seems like it’d be the most accurate (given that it comes with some sort of pillow Fitbit device). But I’ve still got two hangups about any of these apps. My first is that the cost seems pretty ridiculous. (Even though it’s still probably cheaper than heading to Sleepology Labs down the street and spending a night fitfully twisting involuntarily in a machine like drooling rotisserie in a tube.) That, and the fact that these robots sleep-stalk me only to dictate how to live my life by the A.M. (when the last thing I’m in the mood for is advice – from mortal or machine alike).

Which, incidentally, reminds me of a question I have before I purchase my own.

Do any of these lurker-bots’ helpful tips include this tidbit:

“Sleeping next to the blue light of the very phone you’re using for this app can hamper rest.”

…?

Dr. OzZzZzz: Power nap tips

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In college, I minored in napping.

Or at least I could’ve. I was that good at it.

You see, the ritual was simple: pop out my prescription eye cups, lay down, and awake refreshed and ready to kick the rest of my day’s rump, one lecture at a time. And what happens now? Something quite different. Whether it’s forty minutes or an hour ‘n a half, the sound of my alarm attempting to summon me back to consciousness is abhorrent. (And, to an outsider, likely looks a lot like watching a corpse in a Romero film reanimate.)

Far from refreshing, I often wonder – what is it I’m doing wrong?

(Oh is *that* it? Where’s my Sweet Brown meme when you need her…)

Well, for one, I should be getting to bed earlier. Scratch that, I mean sleeping earlier. I get to bed just fine. It’s that blasted, evil, Eden-esque Apple brick (in all its light and spurious glory) that keeps me up till forever o’ clock in the morning lately. That said, even in my good-night’s-snooze days following college, I still was starting to have this problem. Less than restful naps decimating my days. So – aside from the early to bed suggestion – what else can we, the bad nappers of the world – do to mitigate our sleep situation?

Per Doc Oz, there’s this foolproof powernap plan we should all be trying.

And midway into watching this segment of his, something started to sound familiar. Mayhaps it’s was ‘cause it was kindofan amalgamation of all the good brain clearing tools and nap tips I’ve heard before. But there seemed to be another resonant theme going on here. Twenty minute naps… Sit upright… hold an object… Ah! Yes. That’s it. Homeboy’s describing (without actually saying it) a very effective meditation technique. And, whether you wanna call it that or a powernap, is up to you. The only thing that matters is that it jettisons the head webs clogging up your cognition so that you’re more alert when you finally come to. And here’s why:

The reason they suggest “twenty minutes” is because that’s the amount of time that’s just enough to infuse your cephalic battery with more juice – without you actually falling into deep, REM, groggy sleep. And that’s all you want. Something to just Lysol off your thought countertops so you can whip up a day’s worth of greatness again after. Coming outta deep sleep makes that far harder to accomplish. You just end up disoriented instead, and ultimately worse off.

And why sit upright in a chair?

Mostly to avoid the desire to drift off into that intensive resting we mentioned a moment ago. Well, that, and it’d also render the next element – the object holding part of the process – obsolete. You see, the object holding facet’s meant to supplant that jarring alarm to which I was referring at this article’s start. Is there anyone who doesn’t hate the sound of an alarm? I feel like the reply to that question’s pretty much a blanket no. And that’s where the object holding comes in two-fold. What you do, is ya grip an object to start with (Albert Einstein used to hold a ball – with his hand out, while laying on a couch). Oz, as you can see, uses a pencil. It doesn’t really matter what it is – so long as it’s either not a balloon or something you don’t want crashing on the ground in twenty minutes or so. ‘cause the idea’s that, once it falls from your paws, your mind’ll alert you of this. In that way, it serves as your alarm (versus some cacophonous tympanic invader jangling away). The second plus? That the pencil (or ball. Or small child.) will only fall just before you’re about to enter deep sleep phase. Which means you wake yourself up – when you’re meant to. Better than an actual alarm, if ya ask me. Come to think of it, in retrospect, that’s probably why my university years’ naps were so superior in quality. My tight rope wide and elevated bed served as the perfect Einsteinian obstacle drop alarm. No need to grip a pencil. The second I got comfortable, I’d just fall off onto the floor. It’d break the sleep cycle. And my arms. Hashtag: still better than the sound of an alarm.

Closing thoughts?

My phone keeps me from sleeping at night and it hatefully wakes me in the AM.

My phone clearly hates sleep. And me.

Welp, I know what I’ll be holding (out the window) for my next Oz style powernap.