They’re snoring. They’re thrashing.
They-… wait.
Are we sure that’s still bae in your bed? Not an alligator doing the death roll next to you?
Yeah, I’ve been there. And, to be fair, so has my poor boyfriend, often at the receiving end of my Bruce Lee moves, anytime he tries to slide into bed next to me. We don’t always rest well next to each other. But, as ever, this fact made me super confused. And why would it when it’s so common? Because, when I mash the romantic rewind switch to about a year ago, I don’t recall this prob existing. For some of you, that backward button to month number one might take a little longer. But, once you get there, what do you see? Do you remember spending nights blissed out in the arm pit of the human puzzle piece that was just made for you? Or your boo thang resting angelically on your chest? (And not wanting to hurl her across the wall cuz she was crushing the cage your lungs live in?) And waking up like a Disney princess with sunshine gently caressing you two awake against the backdrop of birdsong, all under a Nicholas Sparks cinematic filter?
Yeah, me too. And, to be fair, some nights/mornings with my love are still like this. But not as many as there were in the beginning. So why’s this happening? Is it the sign of a relache gone stale? Are we doomed? Should we just stop sleeping together and unfriend eachother from Facebook and breakup? Nope. See, the thing is, at the start of a coupling, some things are happening that start to wane as we get complacent in a relache. We get comfy. And, after that, we stop doing those things. And all we hafta do is add ’em back in to not only recharge our human Duracell during the night but our dynamic overall with that fleshy snoring sack next to us that we fell in love with some time ago. So what shortcomings are making for a short and fitful sleep? What should we bring back to make our relaches great again?
1. Stow the phone
I’m an avid social media scroller. I hate that I am, it’s a total FOMO based addiction, and it means I’m a digital sheep; but let’s call a thing a thing. That said, I can recall when I first fell in love with my dude. I think three days went by where I didn’t check my IG or Snapchat. Why? I was focused and connected to an actual, human person – which is much more rewarding than randos you can’t even see. By spending more time with him and less time on my device, there was a trifecta effect: the first is oxyticin release – the cuddle hormone that you get when connecting with a person (which relieves stress and helps you rest better). The second was the absence of feeling neglected – which you feel when the other person’s hovering over a phone in lieu of talking to you (the stress of that’s like anxiety caffeine). And the third? Less blue screen time before bed (AKA: less brain activation keeping you awake). Reclaim that connection by shelving your cell a bit more when you’re together.
2. Schmexy time
How’s your sex life? (Just kidding I don’t care. No. Really. I’m serious. I was kiddin-STOP SHARING, OMG, TMI!) Okay, hopefully everyone’s enjoying decent and frequent freak-age. But your nightly demise might be in the timing. According to some studies, knocking boots right before bed gets those aforementioned oxytocin levels flooding through you fresh so you can get straight to snoozing once you’ve both… gotten there. (And, make no mistake, “getting there” is indeed key for both parties.) So get some booty and beauty sleep back to back. Or front to back. Or front to…
(You get the idea.)
3. Supper and share
So we’ve already said stow the phone and connect instead. Well, what better way to do that than by dining at the same time? Try enjoying a meal sans whatever series you’re addicted to ATM. Maybe play a board game as you eat. And, if your schedules are too different to make a meal meeting happen, maybe settle for some wine and gin after din. (No, not literally mixing the drinks two together. Ew; what kind of social troglodyte do you think I am?) I mean unwinding with your elixirs of choice over a game of cards (something easy like gin rummy) while dishing about your days. Protip? Even though you’re tired and your ego’s on override, try to really tune into your partner and make sure they feel heard. A mutual exchange of that nature makes for – you guessed it – a fresh prescription from your hormonal pharmacy of anti-anxiety, natural ambien.
4. Separate yourselves
You may’ve noticed a theme thus far. (Aside from my endlessly impressive ability to alliterate subheadings.) And that’s the magical, Lunesta level effect of oxytocin on allowing for sleep beside that someone spesh. So let’s backtrack. When is it that you want to do any of this with your partner anyway? We can’t just force it. Going through the motions doesn’t necessarily generate oxytocin or endorphins. We have to want it. So when is it that you want the love makery ‘n afternoon chats? It’s when you’re attracted to your partner. And when are two magnets most attracted to eachother? Is it when they’re stuck together? Nope. They don’t wanna link up then, because they already are. They’re so close, in fact, they can’t even see each other. This is what happens in relationships so often. We’re in such proximity and see our partner as so predictable that they’re just like another limb of our own boring bodies. So give your partner a chance to see you as you. Individually. Step away, do some self care, make time for some passions or hobbies (however small) that show them you’re not just a fleshy extension of them, but your own tree with surprise roots and branches they’ve never seen before but wanna get to know. (Don’t ask me how this metaphor morphed from magnets to branches; just go with it.) The renewed attraction will do three things: make you happier, inspire them to maybe grow some new branches themselves, and reignite the attraction, ultimately bringing your tree magnets together. (Yep. Tree magnets. That’s where this symbolism ends up. Deal with it.) And this has bigger implications – not only for sleep – but for your romantic interaction as a whole. The opposite of love isn’t hate, but apathy – feeling a lack of any kinda passion from or for our partner. By keeping this at bay with active acts of romance and emotional intimacy, we keep our relationships alive and awake when we are so that we can get some decent delta waves when our brains don’t wanna be.
And don’t worry, you “we’re-just-together-for-the-kids” couples.
I know the matrimonial roommate ruse all too well. After all, I was raised by a pair’ve practitioners of exactly that. (Cheers, mom ‘n pops!) And while the selflessness versus stupidity factor of that practice is questionable (protip: kids pick up on negative energy, no matter how David Blaine magician level great you think you are at hiding it), we don’t wanna exacerbate poor lifestyle choices with a bad night’s sleep. That can’t help anything. So, if you’re just looking to get by until you can kick the chicks from the nest and enjoy a nice midlife crisis, here are some tips.
Keep reading for ways to get you twoz through a night sans a stabbing that has you starring on tomorrow’s news…