So, I finally got a new phone.
And, while you’d think that might be the opposite of a soporific (I mean who gets a new phone after not upgrading for four years and then doesn’t stay up all night uploading new apps?), it totally isn’t. In fact, for the first time in a handful of nights, I slept last evening. All the way through. And why was that, exactly? Because I had finally struck something off my to do list that had been plaguing me for the past whatever 365 times 2 days is? Maybe. But it’s probably more likely due to the fact that I finally tried a sleep app. After launching the Googlemobile into full gear, I cruised through all the top popular nap apps. And one that kept popping up was “Relax Melodies”. After downloading it, I noticed there were all these cool meditations and soundscapes and stuff. Not only that, but you could mix different sounds together to create your own little snooze tunes. (That should actually be the name of an app, if it’s not already..) Anyway, since they’re not paying me, I won’t go through an exhaustive explanation of how great they are. I also won’t do that because I’ve only had one night of success with the thing. In fact, the first night I downloaded it, I stopped it partway through because some of the sounds are straight up cacophonous. I hadn’t found a good match by the time I hit the mattress and didn’t want to sit up looking at my light brick all night trying to find the perfect vibration combo to hypnotize my mind into turning off. Some of the isochronic tones are way off too. (I don’t care what something says. If it makes you feel anxious, it ain’t right.) So I gave up…
But, last night, I found it.
A combo of the “eternity” tune with the “white noise” add on in the background – and I was out like a chick on a Cosby date. Everything else prior had just been too much. The voice in the meditations grated on my brain’s nerves. The “zen” option felt more like I was being prepared for a human sacrifice. And, as always, they taunt you with options you can’t have unless, of course, you’d like to purchase them with an upgrade. (Where’s my eyeroll emoji when I need it?) In any case, this thing was perfect on several levels. I dunno how that white noise and slumber melody combo worked, but it was unreal. Typically, if I get to bed at a decent time, I’m up to pee no less than one point one billion times before midnight even hits. But this cocktail of notes somehow kept me under its delta wave spell for the duration. I didn’t wake once. And when I woke up? Well, I’m not going to pretend to not be human. I felt like crud from punishing my body in MMA training the day before. However, on a restedness level, I felt uh-mazing. Being able to snooze all the way through the night without interrupting my sleep cycle was a lovely departure from the norm.
And how do these tunes work? Well, much like that Marconi Union tune everyone was raving about for a while, some songs can be specially engineered to bring on sleepiness. But, when it comes to white noise, it’s actually like an auditory bouncer. The idea is that there are often many other sounds in the night that are guilty of interrupting our sleep cycle. Sure, some of us wake up because of apnea or whatever. But for a great many others of us, it could be the dog making puke noises at the end of the bed, the jingle of a text coming through, or maybe even your inconsiderate neighbors from downstairs letting their three year old who can’t sleep sing into the karaoke machine so the whole apartment complex gets a concert nobody asked for at 9 P.M. (Just some common examples we all can relate to.) The point? All of these noises, within a reasonable decibel level, can be guarded from alarming you awake, thanks to your brain’s bodyguard that you personally mixed together on your phone.
So, if you’re losing sleep, try adding this app to your nap time!