Not really.
But… really: what’s with the witching hour wakeup?
Sounds legit. But let’s review some options that apply to reality ‘n stuff. What’s the deal here? I don’t mean those nights when my pup starts pitching a fit and demanding a middle-of-the-night potty jaunt outside. I mean that other phenomenon. The one that happens when your body decides circa 1:00 or 3:00 A.M. that it’s time for a random rise and shine? No crazy sounds to wake you up. No blue lights messing with your melatonin. Just this totally random feeling where your eyes pop open and you feel half disoriented and half like you’ve suddenly surfaced from a body of water after running out of oxygen. I’ve long wondered why this happens. (But I suppose I didn’t wonder too much because it wasn’t until the past couple of years that I actually went fishing in the search engine sea for the answer.) And what’d I reel in for the reason behind this mysterious murderer of a good night’s rest? Why is my body alarm bell sounding off so damned early?
Low blood sugar, says science.
(Considerably less intriguing than a voyeur monster, but I’ll bite.)
Apparently, hypoglycemia is the top reason sleep specialists report for their patients who complain about this same problem I have. They eat too early, go to bed with cobwebs above their bowels, and awake hours later wondering why. The answer? When the sugar in our blood plummets, we pump extra cortisol (stress hormone) from our adrenal glands. And because it’s a stress hormone, that signals an alarm more annoying than your iphone’s (which I’ve changed fifty times because I’ve come to hate each equally by virtue of what they collectively signify).
Geez. There’s no pleasing this snoozing flesh vessel I’m doomed to live in for presumably another fifty years.
I mean, if I eat too late, my brain will terrorize me with narratives fit for a snuff film. But the alternative’s no better. If I have an early meal of supper be my last of the day, my body will go Judas on me and send me vertically upright five hours before the alarm, like some black and white Dracula ascending stiffly outta the casket. The answer? A small snack before hitting the sack, is what some suggest. And when we say “small”, we’re meant to also acknowledge the sugar content. Because if you Dyson down Dunkin’ Donuts right before setting sail for Sleepsville, you can expect that tsunami sized wave of blood sugar you rode in on to disintegrate mid-trip. And send a phantom Pulp Fiction needle into your sternum right around 2 or 3.
So, what are some good pre-pillow snacks?
To avoid that glucose collapse, experts suggest also avoiding simple carbs or sugar infused snacks.
(Yes, even fruit #singleteardrop).
But the alternatives aren’t terrible.
For instance, you might try a slice of whole wheat bread with peanut butter, some soup, veggies, and hummus.
Want something more snack-like? Try stuff from the legume family – like chick peas, beans, and nuts.
(No wonder homeboy kept having all those horrifying nightmares this season.)
That’s all well and good. But seeing as I’ve got the Pringle problem (“Once you pop, you pitch a middle finger at any willingness to enact self-control…”) with anything in the snack family – healthy or not – I might try another route. One that’s a happy medium between habit forming snacking and Louie’s diet – comprising the table contents of a fat kid’s birthday party. I’m thinking some evening soy chai might hit the spot. (Soy comes from a bean; so I’m totally counting it as the legume requirement.) It’s not heavy enough to vex my viscera and send me to Elm Street (see: nightmare blog), but has just enough sugar to keep my lids glued together till the alarm goes off.
Or the fanged spacemen come for you.