It’s the biggest mystery in life.
Ironically, it keeps me up at night, thinking about it. And, no. I’m not talking about how the pyramids were erected or how massive stone sculptures of ancient times were mobilized across land. (*Cut to the so outdated it may be relevant again by now “Aliens” meme*) All of that, martians included, pales in comparison to the legit mystery, though. The question to end all questions. Why is it that I can fall asleep on my sofa, five minutes into binge watching “The Messiah”; but the second I transplant my backside into bed, I’m wide the hell awake? Tossing and turning? I know it’s not just that the sofa’s under some spell, either. The same can be said for when I’m sleep walking through my work day, errand running, or dog walking. I’ll have spent half the afternoon fantasizing about my mattress. I’m fully prepped for rest. But the moment I’m swathed in my fleece… it’s a brain race of all things awful. And snooze time is elusive, once again. But why?
Yes, the experts may have a fun name for it.
But the simplest explanation is this: association. You’ve got bed stress.
You know that nervous feeling you get when you’re heading to your ex’s house? Or maybe your parents’ place for the holiday? The anxiety of driving to a job you abhor with a boss to whom you’re convinced “The Office” owes royalties? The rising anxiety that comes with just being there even though nothing bad’s happened yet? It’s that. Bed is often associated with a task. If you’re part of the typical 9 to 5 style workforce, you approach your sleep furniture with a purpose. There’s pressure linked to it. You have to get in bed by 9. You have to sleep seven or eight hours. You have to get your rest or else you won’t perform well tomorrow. Here, sleep is meant to be a peaceful surrender into unconsciousness. Meanwhile, we’re trying to force it like a deadline. We’re literally encasing something that requires relaxation and tranquility and letting go in order to happen – in a coating of worry and anxiety and pressure.
“You VEEL SCHLEEP VETHER YOU LIKE IT OHR NACHT!”
And how’s this differ from those other scenarios where you can zonk out effortlessly?
The monotony of shopping may be unpleasant, but it’s not so stressful. (Unless your’e poor as I am ATM – and in need of an ATM). Studying may be stressful, if it’s right before a test, but otherwise – it’s repetitive and doze inducing too. And, how about that soporific sofa? How can watching a drama act like anesthesia? Simply put, you’re relaxed. Comfortable. The show can be entertaining and enjoyable, but there’s no pressure on you to do anything. So, your weary body gets the signal that it’s finally safe to nod off. The second you move it to the mattress, however, your subconscious goes into five alarm fire mode. This is the place we have to set the alarm. This is the only comfortable position you can lay in. The pillows have to be just like this. No, not that way – that causes wrinkles and you’re already on the wrong side of your 30’s. Oh, great. It’s been half an hour and you’re still not asleep. Now you’re going to wake up tired. Speaking of waking up, let’s run down the laundry list of everything you need to do when you wake up… Wait. LAUNDRY. YOU DIDN’T DO IT. Absolutely zero of these things happen when you have just the right amount of distraction from concern to allow you to feel sufficiently tired.
So, what’s the answer? Fall asleep on the backbone breaking couch each night? Eh… not likely to yield optimal results. Especially not by the next the morning when you wake in pain. In lieu, experts suggest reassociating your bed to make it pleasant. Give it the same context of rest your sofa enjoys. How? Well, first write out a worry journal so that those plaguing thoughts have a place and get addressed later. (Some just call this a “to do” list.) Second, make sure you keep clean sheets. (This should go without saying, but the more kempt our environment is, the less stressed we are.) And, third, try some kind of a timed guided meditation or audiobook as you drift off; something that won’t drone on for all eight hours and interrupt your sleep itself, but just enough to segue you from the land of wakefulness to dreamery. Too stimulating? Go for regular, breath-centric meditation. No electronics necessary. And there it is. An explanation better than aliens abducting your precious rest and a solution better than storming Area 51 for answers. (Wait… what ever happened with that anyway…?)
Nevermind! Go forth and reclaim your mattress, stress free!