“It seemed so real…”
Ever wake up clammy and panicked?
And positive that the octopus cat who shoots paralysis inducing darts from his tentacles is still after you?
(“He definitely got me. Can’t move. Going to die here. Should’ve written a will.”)
Happens to the best of us, my G. And the worst has gotta be when you try to lay back down again, only to reenter the bowels of your brain, and rediscover your cephalopod-feline assailant, sat on a parkbench, checking one of his eight watches while patiently awaiting your return. There’s nothing worse than a to-be-continued nightmare. That’s the shiz of Elm Street.
So how do you toggle your noggin’s nightmare station off at night?
Well, a study done a decade or more ago (that’s recently been exhumed and passed around the interweb) observed something fascinating in side sleepers. The takeaway was initially that “left side” sleepers tended to have nightmares more frequently than right side sleepers. However, the parameters of the experiment weren’t exactly ideal. I mean, for one it wasn’t replicated nearly enough to draw any significant conclusions. Then, the sample size was a measly 63 snoozers. Then, the way they did it was also less than stellar: 41 of them went to bed laying right side down, while only 22 slept lefty style. So, sure, 41 percent of those latter peeps sleeping on the west side of their bodies were haunted by their own subconscious while only 15 percent of righties reported the same. However, you hafta take into account the probability of that. You’re comparing a group of 41 to a group of nearly half that amount. The percentages are gonna seem higher in a smaller group. Of course your chances of bad dreamery are gonna increase. What would have been interesting, would be to get this same group to split down the middle. And force half of them rest on their right and half to siesta on their left.
(“…and this last bit’s just saying we can murder you and incinerate your body if you switch sides during the night.”
“Seems legit.”
“Good. Here’s a pen. So you can stab yourself. And sign in blood.”)
Or they could’ve increased the sample size. Or done both. And then repeated it to show more evidence.
Either way, the slumber summary (slumbary?) here is pretty simple.
In short – the “right side” is whatever side didn’t correlate with nightmares most recently. Should you awaken afraid from a malevolent mind movie, just… switch sides. And try again. It sounds pretty obvi, but the thing is most of us make the mistake of trying again – but on the same side (’cause we’re physically comfortable although not mentally so). But just like physiology dictates mentality in waking life (ever heard of psychological studies done on power posing?), something similar apparently transpires for dreams. Thus, just as we turn the other cheek when bad peeps bother us, when bad sleeps bother us – we should do the same.
Which means it must take foreverfor my meowing mollusk stalker with eight sides to fall asleep.
The poor bastard.
Pro’lly why he stays up all night antagonizing me.