Why do I have such terrible sleeps in my own bed?
Compared to those comfy hotel ones?
“Maybe it’s because I know someone who isn’t me is gonna be making this bed when I’m done with it.”
For ages, I blamed it on every potential culprit I could conjure up:
From the mattress itself and EMF waves… to alien invaders.
And, according to science, I’m not far off with my body invader theory. Or the mattress for that matter.
Granted, these unwelcome tenants residing in my body hotel might not be extraterrestrials. (There’s your good news. Now for the bad…) But what they are can be any number of any other inimical things floating in the periphery and waiting for our nasal passages to Hoover them up at night. And that list comprises everything from dust mites and mold spores to viruses, bacteria, and whatever’s living on on your shih-tzu’s fur. Hey, here’s a fun bedtime tale: we spend all night unknowingly inviting in droves of these sorts’a creatures through our face caves. The end. (Is it any wonder you don’t feel ‘yourself’ in the morning when your soul’s been supplanted with and possessed by these clouds of demonic dust?) And how’s the mattress factor into this? Well, because it’s like a big, endless, dirty, Burning Man party for particulate matter to play in. Your mattress, that is, and your pillows. And he electronic collection hiding under your bed. And whatever else lives in your room that’s covered in a rug of dust because you’re too lazy to clean. So, how’s that affect sleep? Well, when you’re laying there, marinating in subconscious reverie, and suddenly you wake up for no reason… often that’s ’cause you can’t breathe. Or how about all those mornings you’ve woken up stuffy, voiceless, and hacking up green gunk?
“Eric, darling, be a lamb and give us a dose of ‘tussin..”
That’s right. You can thank your fleet of airborne friends for that.
If you’re like me, though, you may not have time to keep up with all that cleaning. Wielding a wand of feathers just isn’t in my game plan. Not when I’ve got endless laundry to do and an athletic addiction to manage. So, what’s a good fix between my annual seasonal cleaning? What else can I do to clear my home so that I’m not home to micro-monsters and their chemical friends? Why, beat my own face to the punch, of course. By enlisting a machine to suck them up before my nose or oral cavity can.
Enter: the air purifier.
Per a Harvard study, these machines can have a dramatic effect on rest and respiration:
“The Harvard study was able to demonstrate that as air quality decreased, the severity of SDB symptoms increased. In fact, obstructive sleep-apnea sufferers were 13 percent more likely to experience a 10-second interruption during peak pollution periods. Although this does not prove a direct causal relationship, it does establish an undeniable association. The likely reason for the association, according to the lead researcher, Diane Gold, is that the pollution particles are affecting the central nervous system and thus exacerbating the symptoms. She also stated that the particles may be causing upper airway inflammation.”
(If you’re not searching for the R2D2 of dust suckers, then a simple one like this HEPA’ll do.)
Sure, you can go all out and get the ones that make white noise, dehumidify, or fart out essential oils into the air. However, if you’re a basic bish like me (just looking to stop waking up with NASA level snot rockets every morning. Or just stop waking up every hour every night because: suffocation), a plain purifier might be your best bet. So, if you’ve exhausted all possibilities for why you’re exhausted, maybe getchyou one’a these things. It’ll vacuum up all those mites, bacteria, and Scientology volcano aliens, so your face won’t. And then you won’t have to wonder anymore what makes hotel beds or strangers’ places so much more tranquil for turn’t down time than your parasite air palace.
In fact, that must be a slogan for at least one brand of these things:
“Let us suck …so your sleep doesn’t have to.”