Love your weighted blanket but hate the weight of money in your account?

Looking to waste said money on something new you don’t need?

Then, perhaps try this new human sized sock someone’s invented!

Yes, this crazy creation’s meant to help you sleep.

And the only thing weirder about this (than voluntarily putting yourself in a giant jersey knit condom) is the name: The Hug Sleep Pod Move. Even weirder? The cost. While your nice, free edged, heavy fleece can be as cheap as $30 on Amazon, this snooze tube’s gonna cost you about $90. Yep. Ten bucks short of C note to sit in a sack to slumber. Short of the stupid name, the marketing guys on this must have been next level geniuses. How’s it any better than literally any lengthy blanket? Who’s too lazy to wrap the edges around their bodies? Or their toes? And what if I need to pee in the witching hours? Allegedly, you can slide this thing up your legs to do a quick Marilyn-Monroe-in-a-pencil-dress shimmy to the loo. But, it just doesn’t make sense how or why I would need this to fall asleep.

But then I remembered something.

The Snuggie.

Remember the Snuggie? What Snuggie owners here spent more time wearing their backwards robes to lounge and relax than to catch some Z’s? All of you. (Don’t lie.) And, much like your fleecy gowns, these soft body gloves aren’t about bed. They’re about what happens before sleep. The process that prepares us to sleep. Our downtime. The body pod is essentially a human cocoon. A place to feel sheltered. Safe. Shut out the world. It’s a way to free yourself from the woes of the world and the pain of the day you just had, listening to sixteen different patients’ problems and trying to fix them (or, ya know, whatever it is you do…) We don’t, most of us, just go from high octane work mode where we’re putting out adulting fires all day to just… passing out. (Unless we have the aid of pharmaceuticals.) Many of us need a decompressing segue to get there. So, I could completely see how this thing could offer a bridge from your stressful day into dreamland.

Plus, if you low key loathe your significant other and are looking for a new and exciting means to nip any nocturnal attempts for amorous activity in the bud, this giant chastity belt’s gotcha covered. Sure, the bottom might have a freedom hole, but that takes a lot more effort to trespass through than that fuzzy cape you bought back in 2009 did. So, with that concession made, I will give my final verdict: if you’re struggling to turn the brain dial down on a daily basis, maybe try this overpriced light weight sleeping bag.

Or, ya know… just buy a light weight sleeping bag.

Why does this always happen to you?

You’re breathing just fine, like a normally functioning human being all day long. Both nose holes are ferrying air to your lungs with elegant ease. Then, night comes. No allergies in sight. No dust in your freshly polished slumber chambers. The thermostat is set to a perfect, cool temp. Yet, here we are, Susan: snooze free and snorting like a dying, porcine beast – trying in vain to suck air through your jaw like a common knuckle dragging troglodyte. You look at the wall to observe all of those framed degrees you earned. You think of that coveted job position you perform by day. That esteemed status you’ve labored to achieve. And now this. You’re reduced to a common nocturnal mouth breather every evening, like some disgusting respiratory werewolf. Why in the world does this happen every time we try to finally have sweet relief from consciousness?

Apparently, many of us suffer this Gandalf nostril syndrome.

One nostril stabs its metaphorical staff in the earth.

Why? Well, the first possibility is that you do have light allergies but just don’t notice it during the day. Just because you’re not constantly sneezing, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. In fact, up to 30% of adults deal with allergies through the year. The second possibility? The common cold. Everyone’s so worked up about covid right now, that they’ve forgotten the classic, ever present, basic bish cold that comes every year. Not as sexy, but still a thing. And, for either of these conditions, something unwonderful happens to you each attempted sleep, as you perch on your charging port and try to power off. Gravity. Because we’re laying down, more blood makes it’s way to our nose and noggin alike, causing further inflammation in our nasal oxygen tubes. Awesome, right? Even better, because we’re laying down, there’s no way to clear those secretions. Sure, it feels like a wad of booger is to blame for holding up the respiratory works. But, really, it’s just that you’re upper nose is too swollen and angry to accept any air.

And the third reason? Septum deviation.

Why? Maybe you’re a boxer like Rocky. Maybe you were born this way like Gaga. Or maybe you caught a football to the face like Brady. (Marcia, not Tom. Although maybe that happened; I don’t watch sports….) However you got it, you don’t care. All that matters is that it’s making your nights miserable. (Unless you get more girls in your sleep quarters ‘cause you look like Owen Wilson.) Why? Because the septum is made of cartilage. The cartilage separates the nostrils. When this goes off kilter, you may notice that your left, right, or even both blowholes are asleep on the job when you’re trying to sleep yourself. Switching sides might help, but maybe you’re trying to supine snooze to avoid pillow wrinkles or whatever. And you deserve that option, right? So what’s the fix?

There are plenty. And people tend to subscribe to different approaches depending on whatever their specific issue is. Some recommend those nasal strips that you pop on at night. Another option? Pot. No, not that kind of pot. I mean the Netti (Netty? Neato? Newton?) pot. Apparently this is a nice and natural way to clear your sinuses pre-sleep. Other folks, contrarily, will get desperate and use that four-way spray that you stick up your face and squirt. (But this kind of defeats the purpose because it has epinephrine in it which will wake you up. Also, even if you’re using it during the day to breathe better, your body starts to get dependent on it.) Then, if putting anything on or around your nose kind of weirds you out, just combat gravity – the one causing a lot of these problems in the first place. Adding a pillow or two let’s the rouge deluge of blood fall back down where it belongs, leaving you to breathe and sleep in peace again.

Most these tips have been awesome and helpful for me. However, as someone who suffers with neck pain, a cavalcade of cushions under my head puts my cervical spine at a wonky angle, making my neck health and sleep alike equally elusive. And my guess is that you’re just as physiologically unique with your own set of problems, too. So, as ever, check in with your doc before starting any kind of medicated regimen. And check in with your PT about the best approach to supporting your head each eve.

Because we all deserve to have our pipes cleared in bed…

Now, are there exemptions for procrastinating on sleep?

For sure…

If you’re spending your night hours building something great for humanity (or even just your family), no one will knock that level of selflessness. And no one could talk you out of that type of drive anyway. (Also, chances are, you wouldn’t even have time to read this article or be questioning your lifestyle choices if that’s your path.) But if you’re genuinely wishing you could alter your routine, it’s rarely gonna happen through shear on-the-spot willpower. Not at that time of the afternoon or eve. Your brain will conveniently “forget” you meant to make a breakthrough today. Just like when it conveniently forgets you were going to start your new diet the moment you get hungry and pass Burger King. Instead, what’s required is a plan.

For example: how do you make sure your get to work on time? Or to do anything that’s a must, lest you have your job, house, or well being in general threatened? You plan for it, right? You make it a priority. Non-negotiable. You have to leave by X:30 to make it there by Z o’ clock. That means you start getting ready at X o’ clock. Which means you get up at W’ o clock. (Ya know, so you can sit there and contemplate life and what alternate universe you’ve fallen into that time goes by letters in lieu of numbers…) In any case, the same goes for sleep. If you start your day, planning for a specific bedtime, you can gear all of your post work stuff around that.

Maybe map out a timeline of to-do’s to have to-done for tomorrow.

Plan it all.

How long dinner will take. How much free time you have to “play”. And, finally, set an alarm that goes off half an hour before bed so you can settle into a wind down routine. As for averting that night time anxiety, try beating it to the punch. Exercise. Connection with others. Art. Spend some of that time doing what’s fulfilling, rewarding, inspiring, or necessary. Give yourself a little time to tune into exactly what it is you need. (Not crave.) And, if those things are limited by your late work hour, then your answer is going to be waking up earlier to get it done – and heading to bed earlier to you can do exactly that. (See how it all comes full circle?)

The issue is this: that willpower wanes because we’ve been imprisoned by a schedule and rules for eight hours, most of us, by the time work is over. At that point, we don’t want any rules. And, if we’re happy, healthy, and well rested in that chaos, that’s absolutely fine. If we’re not, however, that’s when we need to realize something. The rules and schedule set after work – are set by us. It’s set by our higher self. No one and nothing external is forcing you. It’s simply set by the part of us who knows we’ll wake up feeling crappy for either not doing anything fulfilling with our free time… or for doing too much of it and not knowing when to stop.

Sidenote: also know when in the day to stop drinking coffee.

Because that’ll keep you up too.

And, for the final counter-argument.

You tell me your job is so depleting that you don’t even have the energy or motivation to follow your own plan. In that case, there’s a final counter-solution. You’re putting something else off other than just bed time. Sleeplessness is just a symptom of a bigger issue. Maybe you need a better job. A better relationship. Or, if it’s a mental health issue sitting at the center of everything, a visit to the local psychological sorceress so she can cast a spell on your dome. (Gives new meaning to the casting couch, am I right?) Many a friend has found great insight by way of therapy. And, thankfully, we’re finally at a place where there’s no stigma about it and it’s actually applauded when people aren’t too proud to admit they could use some new programming from an objective source. In any case, whatever resonated best with you about this article, the message is the same: stop procrastinating on stopping procrastinating.

A better bedtime and more restful sleep is in your hands.

So…. what will you do today to get a better rest tonight?

You claim you’re gonna hit the pillow by nine – at the latest.

Before you know it, though, it’s eleven.

And, instead of rushing to bed, you don’t budge.

Instead, here you are: imploring the mom part of your brain to let you watch just one more episode of this show about a blind alcoholic who goes around solving murders. (No, f’real, it’s called “In The Dark” and it’s really good and I shouldn’t be telling you this ’cause you’re totally gonna binge it tonight…) Or maybe you’re not even a movie watcher. Maybe you justify your late nights with reading up on the fifth dimension or how to be a boss bish with your business books. Maybe you’re watching Jason Silva documentaries. Perhaps you’ve got a passion project. Yeah… You’re better than those other people because what you’re doing is more noble. Right?

But, then, why not get up a little earlier?

And dedicate your morning hours to that?

The answer is: maybe it’s not any better. And maybe it is.

Typically, sleep scientists have shown that you get your best rest and restorative snooze time between key hours (sometime in the 9 or 10 at night to 4 or 5 in the morning area – although specifics get debated). But that doesn’t really account for outliers, does it? We can make generalizations all day. But at the end of it, we’re all a bit physiologically unique. So the only question to ask yourself is: are you suffering from it? Does putting off nodding off give you insomnia that keeps you sleepless? Or does what you’re doing each night revive you anew when the alarm sounds because sleep is just a necessary inconvenience you suffer reluctantly as fuel for a new adventure? (I do genuinely know people who feel like this.) But, something tells me you wouldn’t be reading this if all was well in your endless well of energy.

So, let’s look at why we do this.

And the fun part is, it actually has a name:

Revenge bedtime procrastination.

Sounds like a mouthful for something that could honestly just be called rest rebellion. But, I digress. Question is: why do we procrastinate? Well, for some of us, as mentioned above, it’s analogous to a bratty kid fighting his night time routine. For a child, life is still novel and exciting. Your body still works properly, so it’s fun to use. Your brain is still growing, so it wants to know the why behind literally everything. Every stimulus is still new, so we wanna be awake to experience it all for as many hours as we can. For inspired adults, it’s no different. If we have a painting we’re creating, book we’re ensconced in, or even a work project that we’re excited about… that’s tough to put down. And the analogy goes further. Much like kids hopped up on dessert sugar, our coffee may still be keeping us fueled to want to do those things. We’re wide awake. And, unless we’re Elon Musk, we may not have been doing our primary passion all day long. We want to do what lights a fire under our arse. So, bedtime ends up taking a hit.

Then, there’s the other end of the spectrum.

Escape. Psychological relief. Mental respite.

For these folks, life at work might be totally unfulfilling. Or, if you’re in this group, you might just be such an empath that spending 8 hours around others is draining. These are the people who may come home, cuddle a reluctant labrador, turn on twelve forms of technology, and pour a glass of wine. (Which probably won’t be the last of the eve.) The fact that all of these are addictive substances doesn’t help motivate one to get to bed early either. Even worse? The longer we stay up, the higher our anxiety gets – knowing we should get to bed, that we don’t enjoy most of our lives, that we’re going to die alone. (Oh, wow. That got dark quickly…) Either way, we know our next conscious moment after sleep will be getting ready for another day of labor. The result? We’re stuck with this toxic cocktail of our own adrenaline, the stimulation of technology, blue screens keeping us awake, and (if we’re drinkers), the inevitable fitful sleep that alcohol gives us even though we try to tell ourselves it doesn’t. We claim we have insomnia. But we’re honestly doing it to ourselves with what we choose to do. All because we’re spiteful about our lives.

Sure, that doesn’t happen for the former group. Their pupils may live in a pool of perma rouge scleras. But, unfulfilled and bored they are not. That said, regardless of which end of spectrum you’re perched upon, the common denominator is the same. Willpower. It’s a finite thing. We wake up each day (assuming we’re well rested) with a normal amount of it. Then, as the day wears on and we’re forced to perform a variety of tasks we don’t wanna do, make annoying decisions, and problem solve… it heads into the red. By the time we clock out, we’re riding on fumes. There’s very little – if any – left. So, we only do what we absolutely have to and flip the finch at the rest of our duties.

(Keep reading to see why we’re like this… and how to fix it)

It’s the biggest mystery in life.

Ironically, it keeps me up at night, thinking about it. And, no. I’m not talking about how the pyramids were erected or how massive stone sculptures of ancient times were mobilized across land. (*Cut to the so outdated it may be relevant again by now “Aliens” meme*) All of that, martians included, pales in comparison to the legit mystery, though. The question to end all questions. Why is it that I can fall asleep on my sofa, five minutes into binge watching “The Messiah”; but the second I transplant my backside into bed, I’m wide the hell awake? Tossing and turning? I know it’s not just that the sofa’s under some spell, either. The same can be said for when I’m sleep walking through my work day, errand running, or dog walking. I’ll have spent half the afternoon fantasizing about my mattress. I’m fully prepped for rest. But the moment I’m swathed in my fleece… it’s a brain race of all things awful. And snooze time is elusive, once again. But why?

Yes, the experts may have a fun name for it.

But the simplest explanation is this: association. You’ve got bed stress.

You know that nervous feeling you get when you’re heading to your ex’s house? Or maybe your parents’ place for the holiday? The anxiety of driving to a job you abhor with a boss to whom you’re convinced “The Office” owes royalties? The rising anxiety that comes with just being there even though nothing bad’s happened yet? It’s that. Bed is often associated with a task. If you’re part of the typical 9 to 5 style workforce, you approach your sleep furniture with a purpose. There’s pressure linked to it. You have to get in bed by 9. You have to sleep seven or eight hours. You have to get your rest or else you won’t perform well tomorrow. Here, sleep is meant to be a peaceful surrender into unconsciousness. Meanwhile, we’re trying to force it like a deadline. We’re literally encasing something that requires relaxation and tranquility and letting go in order to happen – in a coating of worry and anxiety and pressure.

“You VEEL SCHLEEP VETHER YOU LIKE IT OHR NACHT!”

And how’s this differ from those other scenarios where you can zonk out effortlessly?

The monotony of shopping may be unpleasant, but it’s not so stressful. (Unless your’e poor as I am ATM – and in need of an ATM). Studying may be stressful, if it’s right before a test, but otherwise – it’s repetitive and doze inducing too. And, how about that soporific sofa? How can watching a drama act like anesthesia? Simply put, you’re relaxed. Comfortable. The show can be entertaining and enjoyable, but there’s no pressure on you to do anything. So, your weary body gets the signal that it’s finally safe to nod off. The second you move it to the mattress, however, your subconscious goes into five alarm fire mode. This is the place we have to set the alarm. This is the only comfortable position you can lay in. The pillows have to be just like this. No, not that way – that causes wrinkles and you’re already on the wrong side of your 30’s. Oh, great. It’s been half an hour and you’re still not asleep. Now you’re going to wake up tired. Speaking of waking up, let’s run down the laundry list of everything you need to do when you wake up… Wait. LAUNDRY. YOU DIDN’T DO IT. Absolutely zero of these things happen when you have just the right amount of distraction from concern to allow you to feel sufficiently tired.

So, what’s the answer? Fall asleep on the backbone breaking couch each night? Eh… not likely to yield optimal results. Especially not by the next the morning when you wake in pain. In lieu, experts suggest reassociating your bed to make it pleasant. Give it the same context of rest your sofa enjoys. How? Well, first write out a worry journal so that those plaguing thoughts have a place and get addressed later. (Some just call this a “to do” list.) Second, make sure you keep clean sheets. (This should go without saying, but the more kempt our environment is, the less stressed we are.) And, third, try some kind of a timed guided meditation or audiobook as you drift off; something that won’t drone on for all eight hours and interrupt your sleep itself, but just enough to segue you from the land of wakefulness to dreamery. Too stimulating? Go for regular, breath-centric meditation. No electronics necessary. And there it is. An explanation better than aliens abducting your precious rest and a solution better than storming Area 51 for answers. (Wait… what ever happened with that anyway…?)

Nevermind! Go forth and reclaim your mattress, stress free!