Of course you want your beloved bedmate to have blissful night’s sleep.
But when that means interrupting yours with their abhorrent snoring?
Less so.
(She’s only smiling ’cause them dreamless evenings got her daydreaming about putting an eternal end to his noise.)
Fear not, my fellow sufferers of constant, nocturnal, auditory assault imparted by your partner. There’s no need to have that uncomfortable talk about equally uncomfortable sleep studies. (Where they squeeze you into a machine.) There’s no need to discuss acquiring a nap time accessory that looks like something Batman’s Bane might don. Nay. Instead, tonight all you have to do is wait til your partner nods off. Just like you always do. But, this time, when he (yes, he, ’cause I’m a princess without any flaws wholly incapable of emitting respiratory farts) starts log sawing like a Paul Bunyan of slumber – you get to work. Work that finally doesn’t involve initiating a muay thai match on your mattress.
Indeed, tonight, instead’ve backhanding homeboy awake and straight into flailing anger, you can employ… Nora.
Nora’s this widget that looks like an old school computer mouse minus buttons. And it’s said to put an end to snoring. What you do, is set the little white orb near your partner’s pillow and place an inflatable mat beneath the pillow itself. Then, when the face hole flatulence commences (and gets too loud), the egg gives the mat the green light to inflate til your lovey S’s TFU.
And the beauty of it? They claim nobody – not even he (okay, fine – or “she”) awakens:
The idea’s that the elevation frees that block – indicated by the squiggly line – in your air passage.
And now, for a list of inane inquiries: When ambient sounds-like-snoring construction noise initiates at zero dark early, is this gonna wake his cranky azz up? And does it keep movin’ on upward Jeffersonian style if the snoring doesn’t stop? Until either his breathing does altogether – or it pops? Waking him up? Won’t this put a crick in his neck? Wait – who stays on their back all night? Most apne-acs I know are thrashers….
Sure, I’ve got a lotta dumb questions about Nora.
Fortunately, this video was able to answer some of them:
(So it doesn’t just inflate – it keeps moving both ways ’til you snooze silently.
Yet, I’m still skeptical about this “any posiche” business.
And curious to know what the comment section reaction to a skit with manbun punching *her* instead would be.)
But, unlike my bed bud’s airway, I’m open to this laryngeal spasm activated egg sphygmomanometer. ’cause if there’s any chance this mattress gadget gags my sleepmate sans me having to handle a midnight domestic dispute or call a coroner in the morning (or both – in that order), I’m all for trying. Especially if it means I get to practice my ninja-esque, stealth skills, slipping it under his pillow. And see if his reaction’s more Princess and the Pea or or Sleeping Beauty.
So, if you’re tired, don’t expend extra energy on throwing haymakers in the hay. Your loud, inconsiderate, lover who sleep-breathes about as peacefully as a machine gun doesn’t deserve what reserves of effort you have left after they’ve already kept you up all night. With Nora, no more sleepless weeks. Get her do do the dirty work. Just bury her under his memory foam headrest like the sick lovechild of the Toothfairy and Sandman that you are. And then, wait and watch for-… well… hopefully nothing.
’cause you’ll be finally getting a good night’s rest.
(And then come back here, obviously, and tell me if it’s worth me wasting my own money on it.)