Does this look familiar?
While I don’t have this particular (regrettably accurate) bedsheet set, it does ring terribly true for me.
Which would be fine and make total sense if I were sharing my sleep ship with a Dogo Argentino.
Instead of, ya know, a pint sized shih-tzu.
So, I wanted to know: does splitting up the mattress with a pet detract from your own personal recharge time? I mean, we just learned about how couples in healthy relationships report excellent restfulness when dozing in proximity to one another. Does the same apply for me and the longest relationship I’ve ever had? The one with my dog?
According to experts, it just might.
For example, Derek Damin (of Kentuckiana Allergy, Asthma & Immunology in Louisville, Kentucky) claims it’s just fine – so long as you’re allergy free and it doesn’t interfere with your sleep. (Then again, he’s kinda biased, seeing as he’s been sleeping with a miniature dachshund for multiple years.) But, in truth, these lovable little bastards can hamper nap time. (Particularly those last few hours, if you’re a nearly-decade old mop with legs who’s circling the drain and has a bladder identical in size to that piece of kibble you just regurgitated.)
Yet, for others, a slumbering animal has a tranquilizing effect. Their cuddle capacity, warm bodies, and calm breathing (unlike the creature presently at my feet whose constant respiratory spasms sound like an asthmatic swine) can offer that perfect oxytocin stress-reducer cocktail to lull you into subconsciousness. In fact, some insomniacs have even reported their investment in a bed pet as being “better than ambien”.
But if your pet’s more like crack than ambien, what should you do?
Well, for a pup, getting excommunicated from la cama is relatively easy. I mean, sure, it takes a little effort – but by combining commands with “on the floor” praise and attention only, your canine will eventually realize that your love and him laying on the slumber furniture are mutually exclusive things. Generally, it only takes a couple of weeks of this re-training before the pup gets the picture. But others (whose sneaky creatures wait till they’re asleep to sneak onto the sheets) have resorted to spritzing them with spray bottles when they try to act slick.
As for a cat, though?
Unfortunately, ejecting your feline from the mattress is a bit harder because of how territorial cats are. Once you’ve let one of these domesticated predators into your dream lair, you’re in it for the long haul. They believe that’s their area too. In fact, according to people who’ve owned them, if you try to boot Puss ‘n boots after he’s already enjoyed a Sealy sleep with you – you’d better be ready for some Fatal Attraction level retaliation on their part. They’ll destroy everything on the other side of that door that’s barring them from what they think’s rightfully theirs.
The fix? Lots of toys and distractions for these vindictive critters.
In the end, I suppose we just must use our own judgment, get honest, and ask ourselves, “Could the fact that my dog starts wheezing and vibrating like a sex toy at midnight, two, and four A.M. ’cause she has to pee every two hours possibly be the source of my insomnia?” (Somehow, I feel like if you’ve sought out an article on the topic in the first place, that’s a huge hint at the answer.) And once you do that, you can do one’a two things: remain in denial like some people (hi.) and let your pet pilfer Z’s from you one by one. Or you can do one of the items listed above by the Cesar Milans and Victoria Stilwells of the world who somehow manage to exorcise four legged family members better than I can. And, though I can try, will I? Probably not. Despite all of these facts, I myself probably won’t kick my dog off the bed tonight. Or any other night. Because – even though she’s a perpetual gag reel of bodily functions gone wrong – I love her. She’s my best friend, companion, and roommate.
Well, all that and I’m too tired to re-train her.
Likely because she kept me up again all last night.