Is the “James Bond shower” the answer to a bad sleep?

It doesn’t matter how many hours you get.

If you don’t go into your waking hours refreshed, then your slumber’s not done its job properly.

However, here you are. It’s early O’ clock in the A.M. and you’ve gotta face the day regardless. No do overs. (Unless you live in an Adam Sandler movie and Chris Walken gifted you with one’ve those life rewind-y remotes.) So, what do you do now to counteract a bad sleep? Some yoga? Sure, that helps a little. Caffeine? Duh, that’s a given. How about a nice icy shower? Um… are you kidding me? I already feel like I spent the night getting abducted by aliens, narrowly escaping, and running back from Mars. The last thing I wanna do when I feel this fatigued is a full body agua frosting. What sort’ve whips and chains masochist does that anyway? Well, James Bond may not have been into bondage, but his character was notorious for doing exactly this. A cold shower. And, according to research and testimonials given on the topic, it’s not just Hollywood fodder to add depth to an iconic badazz. This is something people actually do.

Successful, everyday people.

(Who think they’re James Bond.)

And in a way, I suppose I can relate to this “Scottish Shower”, as they call it. It’s winter here in Northern Virginia and that means that I’ve gotta do my outdoor running in teens to single digit temps. Granted, there’s generally zero H2O involved in my gelid jogs (except when I run near the flooded swamp). However, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel some of the same things others have claimed to experience after a glacial laving. There’s the increased circulation (because the surface skin capillaries dilate, recruiting blood from your center to your extremities for warmth). The confidence boost. (Few people do this. I must be obviously ~~insane~~ awesomer than most people.) Fat burn. (There was actually a study done on how you burn more by doing cardio in the cold. Likewise, a chilly shower boosts brown fat cell production – which helps you nix the shizzy kinda fat.) Then, finally, there’s the thing that can punt you outta your rut each morning: the happiness factor. Whether you’re drizzling frigid liquid over your bod or sending it on a subzero temp run, it activates what they call the brain’s “blue spot” which, ironically, makes you feel less blue. How? This stimulation causes an outpouring of noradrenaline – the chemical experts believe alleviates depression and boosts feel-goodery in general. And we all know it’s tough to stay in sleepy Eeyore mode when we’ve A.) got our confidence game going strong B.) know a fat burning sesh’s just happened and C.) are high on our own adrenalized supply and one second from valiantly leading the unassuming strangers around us into valiant, bloody battle.

“THIS…IS…. MONDAYYYY!!!!1”

So, whether it’s a Scottish scrub or arctic cardio, I’d say a bit of chilliness can cure your more torpid mornings.

(And that’s coming from an avid cold loather.)

Is making your bed bad for your health?

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As a teen, I hated making my bed.

To be fair, that was only because my mom would always tell me I didn’t do it right. The pillows weren’t properly fluffed. There was a slight wrinkle between the quilt and comforter. And… did that sheet look even to me? Did it? Did it?! Thus, for a while, I rebelled once I got to college. Unmade beds and unkempt rooms were my way of embracing the entropy. Until I started feeling it affect my mood, motivation, and – ultimately – studies. Once I resumed a routine of orderliness (with no one to chastise me about how crooked my comforter was), the academic atmosphere improved right along with it. And that kept on into my professional life as well. However, according to research, those of us aiming for morning orderliness could be fostering filth in the process. Because it’s been shown that making your nap craft every morning might encourage mites to grow – just as much as it encourages your personal growth. What happens is that these mini monsters who thrive off your dead skin get cocooned up in the freshly fitted fabric you’ve wrapped around them. And that means they don’t die because your bed’s not ventilated. And that means they can breed.

Now, it might seem kinda gross, but this doesn’t deter me from dressing my naked bed back up every morning.

Why? Because, for one, scientific findings also have shown that tidying up your slumber lair helps set your day by plunging you into productivity mode, makes you happier and more successful, and lowers stress. (Anyone else get depressed coming home to a mess after work?) Secondly, I’m sorry to say it, but you’re gonna have some degree of microbial bedmates unless maybe you do your dozing in a morgue drawer. So that I’m never gonna commit mass bug-icide on every member of my mattress by picking up some paradoxical OCD proclivity for disarray. (Plus: ever heard of the too clean theory?)

(Well, impossible to get rid of ’em all at least. Read on for mite management.)

And that leads me to point three, which maybe will also help you bridge the gap between your need to clear out the critters – versus your desire for tidiness. And that’s just to maybe make your bed a little later, if you’d like to mitigate the mite levels. Get up, do your yoga, make your coffee, take a shower – and then you can crease your cradle’s sheets to your heart’s content. Why do this? ’cause (and I actually didn’t know this til today), mites are vampires. They dine on your remnants left at night and die in daylight. (And atmospheric air exposure.) Which means the halfway happy medium would be to draw up the shades and let your mattress catch a tan for a few hours after waking. Finally, the fourth reason to eschew this silly notion of leaving my sheets strewn about is the same reason I make my bed in the first place: that first thing – de-lazy-fying myself. Now that I know these skin feasting creatures are having orgies after I tuck ’em in each A.M., it’ll force me to launder my linens more frequently. And, loathsome though laundry day might be, it’s a good feeling once the job’s done.

Almost as good as the one you get after making your bed every morning.

Heavy blankets make for a heavenly sleep.

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“If I fall asleep now, I’ll get four hours.”

“Ah, crap. I’ve still gotta go get gas and groceries in the morning. Make that three hours.”

“Wait… did I leave the stove on?”

The laundry list of shiz to worry about’s like this massive, cerebral twister – gaining momentum and speed and picking up new debris to brood about as it cycles ’round your mind. Especially at night. You’ve been on the move all day. You’re survival til Friday relies on 99% adrenaline and caffeine, eleventy hundred percent charismatic smile, and zero percent mathematical or other problem solving capacity. Which is why you’re laying here, in vain, trying to calculate how many hours you can possibly manage to squeeze into this evening’s seemingly impossible bed venture. Or how many chores you can still fit in tomorrow morning if you hit snooze just once. And it’s becoming suddenly clear that your overactive mind’s obviously not the solution here. But you know what might be?

Heavy metal.

No, I don’t mean the music you made out to with your smoke soaked high school boyfriend back in the 90’s.

(Though you can feel free to try that out ‘n then tell me in the comment section how it worked out for ya.)

Rather, what I mean is this concept of the “weighted blanket”. What it is is this body swaddling swathe with anything from plastic pellets to ball bearings stitched into it. And how exactly does that subdue the psycho living in my head, you might be asking? If you’re like me, reading about this for the first time? By hacking our relaxation response, of course. You see, we’ve got this bodily response to deep touch. There are receptors all over your body that, when stimulated, cause you to feel safe.

(Though, if your child’s sleep-smiling, you’ve got bigger issues of the lock-your-door-at-night variety.)

In fact, according to Temple Grandin, Ph.D.(who did research on deep touch – not only in insomniacs, but ADHD kids, too), “Deep touch pressure is the type of surface pressure that is exerted in most types of firm touching, holding, stroking, petting of animals, or swaddling. Occupational therapists have observed that a very light touch alerts the nervous system, but deep pressure is relaxing and calming.”

(Ah, so that’s why being tickled lightly makes me angrier than catching a haymaker upside the head.)

What’s more – per clinical studies done on the topic, this receptor activation has the domino effect of sending the signal to your brain to make more serotonin. (If you’re not familiar, that’s the “well being” hormone” we all rely on so our internal narrative doesn’t feel like a constant Morrissey song.) Thus, with this elixir of touch and hormonal tranquility drifting through your vasculature, you find yourself finally free from fretting, and fully capable of powering down well before that horrid alarm sounds. It’s kinda strange. It seems counter-intuitive – like it’d make you feel suffocated or something. But apparently a cumbersome comforter initiates said serenity mechanism, making it a super effective insomnia assassin.

So, when the weight of the world’s keeping you awake, try a weighted blanket to lull you back to sleep.

This is what your skin’s doing while you sleep…

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We’ve covered what to cover your bed and body in for sleep.

But what about that stuff we’re covered in already?

Our dermal shroud?

Does Chanel come with beta or alpha hydroxy acids, Miss Monroe? Because, according to experts – whether you’re naked or not at night – the largest organ of our body also requires a bit of pre-mattress dress up, too. Why? Because, our skin functions totally differently at night than during the day. Much like the human brain (which many thought logged out for nocturnal zonk time), our body coating’s diligently toiling, too. In fact, it actually does this even when we’re not physically asleep. From 11 to 12, whether you’re crashing on a project or crashed out on a pillow, your skin’s doing its duty by lunar light. In a way, this is just another reason to get to bed good and early – so you can cover your mug in the miscellaneous potions the pros suggest. Which ones exactly? Well, looking at it from a holistic standpoint, we should probably first cover the daytime rubs: from A.M. to early P.M. hours, unguents worn under sunlight should basically be chainmail against pollution, temp, and elements. Antioxidants, SPF, and hyaluronic acid work well for that. Then, your snoozetime salves serve as damage control. That’s why most night creams consist of retinol, niacinamide, and vitamin C – they’re excellent at managing havoc your skin’s suffered during your waking hours.

Yet, the scientist in me always needs to know all the details.

Especially before I’m willing to wander over to the binary boutique on interweb street to dole out digital dollars.

So what’s the sorcery behind this balm working the graveyard shift on my skin? Well, according to Dr. Dennis Gross (a New York dermatologist who founded a skin care line named after himself), it all has to do with prepping your skin for cell mitosis o’ clock. (That pre-midnight hour mentioned above). By combining alpha and beta hydroxy acids on the daily, you get this sort’ve team work happening. While both aim to extract that moribund upper layer of skin (that otherwise leave you looking like an extra dessicated raisin come morning), they do it via separate mechanisms. While the beta hydroxy acids act like skeezy homewreckers, breaking up bonds betwixt the cells, those alpha hydroxy acids make the cells themselves just let go altogether, Princess Elsa style. The whole ablution routine is all about this thing called PH flux. It’s what’s dubbed the “neutralizing step” inasmuch as returns your integument to normal. Blending these two acids, according to Dr. Gross, is the most un-gross thing you can do for your dermis. Also, unlike some of those ones that feel like you’re blanketed in napalm and make you wake wishing you were in the burn ward, this mix is one he describes as the ” most effective and gentle.”

(Which’s why you’ll often see ’em combined in a complexion ménage à trois like this Neutrogena system.)

That said, not every human hide’s built equally. If you’re super sensitive, the alpha hydroxy acids (AHA) might suit you better (since the beta’s got more’ve a deep poor penetrating capacity). And you may only wanna bust it out a couple’ve times a week. Its really a matter of trial ‘n error – like any other product you’d purchase. And what exactly are you purchasing? When out shopping, look for your AHA in the form of glycolic acid (from sugar cane), malic acid (from apples), and mandelic acid (from some sort’ve exotic) almond. Or, if you’re not vegan, you could just take sour milk baths like Cleopatra used to do. However you get your AHA, it’s typically found in your exfoliants – so maybe look for those labels first. Then, for your BHA’s, a popular one’s salicylic acid. As mentioned above, it drills right it, making it great for oily faced sorts whose pores clog easily. This is great because it evicts blackheads and de-greases your skin.

So, tonight, before you slip into silk jammies and Egyptian cotton, remember your embrocation ensemble, too. And, if you’re lazy like I am, just remember that it’s like leaving a tooth for the fairy. She can’t pay you in pretty if you don’t leave her a layer of lotion primed pigment. So, with that, I wish you all sweet dreams and hope you won’t forget to pave the way for the pre-witching hour skin pixie.

May you all wake looking radiant as Fukushima tomorrow.

Why Yogabed mattress might be my next investment…

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So, I need a new mattress.

But I loathe those showrooms visits.

And the inconvenience of moving cumbersome furniture around.

That’s why – when this Yogabed mattress popped up in my feed – I thought of at least researching it to see if it’s worth the hype. And, after looking at a few different reviews, I’m thinking that this might legit be worth the investment. First, there’s the fact that they deliver it straight to you. I mean, sure, it’ll arrive all squishy (which I’m glad I read here first, ’cause I’d probably’ve panicked otherwise). But, fear not, say prior buyers: once released from its cage, the YBM (that’s my new acro for “yogabed mattress”) will repuff to normal size within a handful of hours. Caveat? Unless you love that “new car” sort’ve smell, it’s suggested you leave this badboy by an open window as it erects itself. Otherwise you’ll be ensconced in a foam aroma tonight.

But you don’t hafta worry about leaving that window open for extra breeze – ’cause this thing doesn’t overheat like other, similar mattresses. Apparently, that’s a problem with the foam genre: overheating. And, compared to some’ve its cohorts, the YBM retains its comfy temp while you rest on it.

Then, of course, there’s the firmness – which I’m told are “Goldilocks” conditions. One reviewer dubbed it a “six” on a scale of flaccid to firm. And by the looks of the diagram, I’m not surprised. This thing’s got plenty’a layers to it: there’s the instant response foam sitting on top, their special yogagel layer under that, a thick and breathable foam base under that, and then – all of that – sat atop of a support base.

As for cleanliness?

While there is this unzippable cover on it that you can toss in the wash, most reviewers (or just people in general, including myself) suggest you stick with the traditional mattress protectors. I can’t say what others’ reasoning is for sure, but for me it’s a sanitary thing – particularly to guard against dust mites and other ambient malady making entities entering your respiratory system as you sleep.

But I’d be doing myself (and all of you, potentially) a disservice if I didn’t seek out the cons as well. Thus, I did exactly that. Crazily enough, however, I’m not seeing too many arguments against the yogabed as I scour the interwebs. The biggest complaints I encountered were that that aforementioned scent lasted a couple days longer than promised, there’s only the one firmness level available (while a six may seem ideal to many, it may not be enough – or too much – for some), and there’s moderately more motion transfer in YBM than in other traditional memory foamers.

Still – that’s not too bad, considering the fact that users still gave it rave reviews – especially ones suffering from spinal nightmares like myself. It almost makes that micro-list of cons not worth considering. Which is great for my decision making process. But, if I’m legit considering this, we’ve gotta talk money. So, what’s the damage gonna be? Well, somewhere between $550 (for a twin) and $950 (for a cali king), according to the site itself. May seem steep to a cheap chick (AKA: poorsgirl) like myself, but you know what I always say:

Rather the damage be to my wallet than back.

Which makes the YBM a better (bedder?) investment than some of my buys.

Anyone else tried this thing? Lea’me a comment with your review, if you like.

Brain gains: how sleep’s actually a gyral gym

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Saliva streaming from your oral orifice. Boogers caking your optical corners.

Revolting respiratory noises coming from your unconscious body while the world goes on without you…

Sleep’s about the most the idle, vile, and pointless thing you can do – right?

Plus it punts the pedestal from under even the most Goddess-like of us.

Not necessarily, says science.

(Well, minus the “Waking up in heinous” fact we all hafta face every A.M. after a good rest)

In fact, I happened upon a fascinating Huffpost article last night as I was trying to (what else but) fall asleep. I lay there, thinking about all the stuff I had to get done that I could be doing right then if my indolent body and brain hadn’t rebelled against my mind’s reign in a rain of their fatigue machine gunfire. (Like the second workout I’d skipped.) And, as I scrolled through my feed, that’s when I saw it. That our brain’s actually work harder when we’re asleep than when we’re awake. Sure, our consciousness may clock out, but the wrinkly meat that lives in our heads stay on the treadmill long after we hit the pillow with our tails between our legs. Arms, legs, and abs day is every damn night for this silent beast, working in the shadows.

At the same time, although our mind grinds through the night, it needs that time outta our conscious control just as much as we need the work that it does. Presumably to deal with all the the thought induced stress toxins (And food. And possible chemical ones, for that matter.) that we assault it with once we come to. And actually that – toxins – are one of the first big tasks it takes on during lay down time:

1.) Brain Drain

Much like those detox teas you might be downing between workouts, our brain does something similar. When we’re snoozing, there’s a whole cerebral septic system ensuing unbeknownst to you or I. Scientists have only discovered this within the past couple’ve years, but what it does is flush out all those aforementioned toxins accrued throughout the day. (Or days, if you’ve been short on sleep.)

Next, it tries to make sense of the world.

2.) Brain Train

If you’re a fighter in training, you may do a lotta shadow boxing. Over and over, you rehearse the drills you’ve learned till they stick and become second nature. Similarly, our brains spend downtime catching up on memories. While our flesh rests, the organ that lives in your head is rehearsing memories over ‘n over again from that day so they can be transferred from our short term to long term memory.

Then, after tattooing in our memories comes order.

3.) Brain Arranging

When I was little, I always noticed my dad would keep a running log – cataloging his stats from the gym that day. These days, people (and by people, I mean me) tend to share that with their friends and binary buddies they’ve never met on social media. Either way, it’s a nice means for some of us to categorize our exercise. Either for self betterment or encouragement. Our brains tend to do the former thing in the evening – quietly organizing all the mental deadlifts so that we can make sense of yesterday’s chaos come sunrise. Which is probably why they tend to say, “Everything looks better in the morning.” Sleep gives us a nice high-def panorama first thing in the A.M. versus the cognitive kaleidoscope we went to bed with.

And, finally, immunity:

4.) Brain Safe

In flu and cold season, med experts’ll often tell you that the best thing for you is a good workout. Why? Because it boosts immunity. Halts invader enemies in their tracks. Likewise, when we zonk out, our brain’s also muscling up, battling bad guys, chewing its after-gym protein by the spoonful, and thus building up immunity for you ‘n me. Sleep’s an excellent opportunity to fortify our defenses.

So, there we have it.

Our cephalic gym rat’s doing push ups under the moonlight while you ‘n I slip into a consciousness coma.

Who knew such a passive non-activity could be so productive?

Chronotypes are culturally created and totally changeable

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“I’d give anything to get my body back on a regular sleeping schedule…”

Oh, would you?

How about your phone? Or laptop? All while camping in the Rockies for a week?

Yes, while sacrificing technology alone may feel like a wasteland vacation, doing both was the design of a recent sleep study – taking test subjects camping sans technology – in the name of making their internal rise ‘n rest cycles mirror the sun’s. As a quick sidenote, I’ll admit, it wasn’t until I started writing for this site that I learned what a “chronotype” was. Early birds. Night owls. All of these “sleep personality” categories describe what’s called a chronotype. And, up until I read an article on this study I just referenced – with weirdos leading peeps into the wild to reclaim their circadian rhythm, I didn’t realize that those doze-proclivity titles were totally changeable. But they are.

What the researchers (from the Sleep and Chronobiology Laboratory at the University of Colorado at Boulder) did specifically was take eight people into the Colorado mountains for seven days or so. The catch? As mentioned above – no artificial lights of any kind. While that obviously negated things like phones or ipads, it also meant no flashlights either. The only lights these guys had whatsoever was coming either from the fire sphere in the sky or the one they built on the ground by night.

“Can you play the iPhone opening ringtone? I miss it. I just- I just… need to hear it.”

And the results?

Every one’a these guys – regardless of what their “chronotype” was – synched with the sun by the end of the week. Why? Because melatonin levels (which rise to help us sleep in the evening and lower in the morning) inversely match solar exposure. But the trick is, we hafta actually be exposed to natch light. Thus, in the absence of fake illumination and presence of real daytime rays, there were no more nocturnal personalities or premature risers. People naturally became drowsy at dusk and ready to roll at the first golden glimmer of daylight invading their tents. Boom. Just like that, the myth that a chronotype’s some unalterable, genetically coded identity… gets debunked. Chronotypes are inculcated by culture and careers. Nada mas.

Per the director of the study, Kenneth Wright:

“What we find in modern electrical lighting patterns that we are exposed to is that those melatonin levels are still high for a couple of hours, or an hour at least after we wake up,”

So, if you’ve been dubbed some label you don’t like, all you have to do is pack your backs “Into the Wild” style and head out to the mountains. Once the demands of life you’ve left behind are no longer relevant, you can recalibrate. Who knows. Once you’re realigned, you might even realize that the path you’ve chosen for yourself isn’t worth the red eyes or delirium you’re suffering. You don’t have to settle for a slumber identity diagnosis, like it’s some terminal disease of dreamtime. In the argument of “nuture versus nature”, all you have to do is give nature a chance to change it. Laugh, if you like, at the prospect using PTO for pitching tents and missing emails. But if you’ve literally tried everything else and you’re truly at your wit’s (and candle wick’s) end, then it may start to seem like a feasible option.

Well, all’a that, or just make time for more sunlight in your busy schedule.

Because, yes, there is a less extreme way of tweaking your body’s melatonin oscillations. In fact, Wright, says that the camping effort demonstrated how imperative it is to get more daylight in our lives. No, that walk to the car or cafe isn’t enough. No, that fifteen minute break (which you spent smoking) isn’t sufficient either. As he puts it:

“Anything we can do to bring in more natural light we think will help keep our clocks timed earlier.”

In all reality, yes, a camping trip sounds like an eye-opening holiday for how to get better shut-eye.

But, obviously, it’s not gonna be the ultimate answer for altering chronotypes. Not unless you plan on moving off the grid anytime soon. Other than that, it’s like sending an addict to rehab. Sure, you’ll do great out there – but if you’re not willing to implement any of what you’ve learned during your hiatus upon your return, it’s kindofa waste. You relapse. Similarly, for technology addicts and workaholics, you might enjoy your nature excursion. But once you’ve resumed living in the concrete jungle, how much of it will remain? How much of it can remain? The true takeaway of this study, I feel, is the absolute fact that we can change our chronotype. We can limit nightly exposure to blue light (technology). And we can increase our daytime exposure to legit photons falling from the sky (taking a walk or jog every morning). Actually do that (versus just telling everyone that you are. Via status update. From you faux lit phone.)

And see if things don’t start improving.

Overdozing on sleep could land you an array of ailments

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Bed.

It’s the best holiday away from waking life.

For seven (Or nine. Or whatever your jobs or kids’ll permit) hours after darkness falls, you can fall into a blissful state of nonexistence. Clock out from the business of living. And (hopefully) arise refreshed tomorrow. But when it comes to this inactive activity, experts suggest too much of this good thing can get you prematurely in the permanent state that resembles it. That – or harboring a host of maladies that make you wish you were. Thus, when it comes to sleep, balance is key.

And here’s just a few illnesses you might notice post over-dozing:

1. Dia-beetus

Indeed, diabetes can be just one of the joyless conditions you’ll find yourself falling prey to when you sleep too long. Note, however, that I didn’t say oversleeping causes diabetes. And that’s for good reason. While there’s not yet a strong enough correlation between the two, some surmise that imbalanced sleep causes oscillations in blood sugar levels, leading to diabetes. Others, however, will maintain that diabetes is just another symptom of whatever, other, underlying issue is making you sleep too much

2. Superfatness

I live in a pretty corpulent country. And while a lotta that’s because of the terrible food choices people are easily convinced to eat, bad eating habits and bad sleeping habits can combine to make for some serious obesity issues. In fact, some recent research demonstrated this: in said study, folk got fatter when they spent nine to ten hours vacationing in dream land on a nightly basis. In fact, the results showed they were 21% more likely to become obese within six years than sleepers of the “recommended seven to eight” category. Weird thing? Even when food intake or aerobic activity were altered, the association remained.

3. Cranial pains

Headaches can make the whole world blur. They’re distracting. They put you in a bad mood.

And, when too much snoozing’s the cause, it can drive you right back to bed and become a cyclical issue. But how’s bed cause headaches? Well, researchers think it’s because specific neurotransmitters are released with excess rest – one’a which is serotonin – the feel good hormone. By getting that outta whack, you can not only experience headaches but also depression, which we’ll touch on imminently.

4. Dorsal discomfort

Laying in the same posishe for too long’s prone to land you a backache – whether you’re prone or supine or a side sleeper. Sure, if you’ve just had a fall or pulled something while leaning over to to doody duty for Rufus, that’s one thing. Acute issues call for bed rest. But if you’ve just got those “I spent two hours commuting home in traffic” aches, docs say a bit o’ body moving’s the best prescription for you. ’cause too much rest leaves you rigid, which exacerbates preexisting probs – and can also make for new ones.

5. Chronic melancholy

Depression’s not funny. (Well, not unless you’re bipolar, and then sometimes it’s funny retrospectively when you enter mania mode and can joke about it to everyone.) But when you’re in the throes of it? Not so much. And this’s another one of those things that can either be a cause of too much slumbering – or a symptom of it. I’ll be first to admit that if I’m on the verge of despondency, languishing under the covers is the perfect push over the misery cliff. (Espesh when you wake up at 1 and realize you’ve wasted your whole day and feel like an uber-loser; not great for confidence or anti-sadness feelings.) Likewise, when I’m sadder, I tend to sleep more. And I’m in good, gloomy company. ’cause about 15% of forlorn folk also are guilty of too much mattress surfing during depressive episodes.

6. Cardiac afflictions

Heart disease is yet another sickness you may experience when you stock up on a surplus of sleep. In fact, The Nurses’ Health Study observed about 72,000 women. And the women who slept nine to 11 hours each eve were about 38% more apt to have coronary heart disease than the chick who caught an abstemious eight hours. Yet again, this is another one of those studies where we hafta say “correlation does not equal causation”. Because they can’t find a specif reason for the link between too many Z’s and afflicted tickers.

7. A slight case of deadness

Per WebMD: “Multiple studies have found that people who sleep nine or more hours a night have significantly higher death rates than people sleeping seven to eight hours a night.” But, really: after reading all’a that stuff listed above, is it any wonder death is also linked to too supersizing your snoozery? With all those disorders happening in one body, what do you expect?

That’s why I say, at the end of the day, the best advice is: First, go to bed. (Because, duh, we just said “at the end of the day”.) But, after that, at the start of the day (tomorrow), wake up, and go to your PCP (that’s “primary care physician” – not, ya know, psychedelic drugs that make you see horned horses with wings breathing fire). Then, the two’a you can combine forces, break out your Sherlock Holmes kits together, and figure out why you tend to spend most of life acting unlively. Fix that, and the seven deadly sicknesses above’ll be less likely to befall you.

Well, except for that last one. It’s coming for us all.

So let’s all get healthy and rested and maybe we can stave it off for a li’l longer.

Wake and fake: can artificial sunshine clocks cure morning grogginess?

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“What?! Where am I? Who am I?”

At the first sound of my iphone’s sarcastic sounding alarm (I’ve come to loathe that treacle chiming noise) every morning, this’s often the first string of internal inquiries I have for myself. That hateful clanging wakes me into a world of confusion I’m reluctant to rejoin. Here, I should be fully rebooted and ready to kick life’s azz anew. Yet, there I lay, mentally paralyzed – beleaguered and bewildered – when it’s barely 5 A.M. However, science says that therein may lay my specific predicament: my pre dawn o’ clock wakeups.

We’ve already established in previous pieces how an audible assault every A.M.’s wholly unhelpful for making us refreshed. (’cause alarms interrupt your sleep cycle.) However, there’s more to it than meets the half-open eye. For example, if you’re someone like myself who rises prior to our fiery sky ball itself, then you may find yourself facing a wakefulness barrier. Even if you got your 7 – 8 hours in. In a way, it’s kinda the same issue you deal with when you try to be productive late at night. Because your melatonin levels start go up as the sun goes down, you (or most of us, at least) get sorta sleepy for all those hours we’re sans solar illumination. Minus the blue light of day, our bodies believe it’s sleep time. So things like getting work done after dusk or in the uber early hours’s often a less than successful plan. Somatically speaking, that’s nap time.

The thing is – that former fact (the failure behind tryn’a nocturnally work) may be challenging to try and battle. Sure, you can drink coffee and expose yourself to blue light, but then you’ll just have trouble zonking out when you wanna later. However, the latter concept (the failure of an early wake up) may just have a workaround:

Meet the dawn simulating alarm clock:

Also operating on blue light technology, you set this thing to start illuminating your room about an hour or so before you’d like to rise and shine along with it. Technically, this thing’s nada new. People’ve been using some form of this to treat Seasonal Affected Disorder (aptly acronym’d as SAD) for some time. (I myself thought about picking up one to cure my own winter induce Eeyore-ism. But then I remembered I was too poor. And that just made me even more depressed.) Thing is, a lotta people suffering from snowflake weather sadness might really be dealing with disturbed sleep – exacerbated by the shortening of the days (and, of course, lack of daylight).

Add in the stress of work and responsibilities and the last thing people wanna do is add in another one.

“Gotta knock tanning under a non-tanning lamp off the list! Right after cooking supper!
And paying bills!
And putting my head in this oven!”

If it’s constructed as a clock to gently nudge your noggin outta downtime, though, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. The fake rays gently bait your brain into wakefulness. Physiologically, you believe a natural dawn has broken. And that way your sleep doesn’t have to be. You spend that hour or two slowly emerging from your subconsciousness’ domain and, hence, ready for the day by the time your eyes open.

And fear not if the price of SAD lights depress you too, ’cause they’ve depressed the cost recently. In fact, you can nab one’a these badboys for a mere $70 on Amazon. Sure, it’s still slightly steep – but who can put a price on rising rejuvenated? Thus, I think I’ll treat myself to one anyway. ’cause the way I see it is this: if I buy it, I’ll wake up faster at 4 A.M. (versus languishing in bed), which means I’ll start working earlier, and boom.

It’ll pay itself off the second it starts lighting a faux coronal fire under my rump at a too-punctual hour.

I feel less depressed and more refreshed already.

Bedtime stories: why not try what worked when we were wee bits?

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Remember, back in the day, when moms and pops read you bedtime tales?

And how effing effective it was for falling asleep?

Well, I’m here to admit that I still make people do that for me.

“Please? Just till I fall asleep?”

“You’re a writer. Can’t you just read to yourself? Quietly?”

“I can, but I want you to…”

“Fine. Can I read you something other than Scientific American this time, though?”

Alright. So, not everyone’s so lucky as me. Not everyone makes weird requests like I do and finds someone equally weird and willing enough to carry them out for her at bedtime. But, even on evenings when I’m all curled up solo sans my man and hafta read by my lone – I still find a good literary brain lullaby to be an ideal soporific. And the National Sleep Foundation agrees: it’s a better decompression activity than most’ve the other nocturnal hobbies you’re probably keeping (and that’re keeping you up late.) In fact, they even go so far as to say that you should spend your last hour pre attempted snooze doing something like perusing a paperback – eschewing electronic versions like e-readers.

Other experts concur with this – proffering a relevant yes-and:

That it matters what you’re perusing prior to pillow time.

For example, if you’re tryn’a wind down, yet you’re reading (or making your slumber-mate read to you) about the latest innovations and discoveries in neuroscience or psychology, then do you think you’d fall asleep? Or stay up till 2 A.M. debating about whether or not “holding a warm cup of coffee truly effects how kind people are to one another”? (Yes, that’s a thing. And, yes, we did exactly that.) It’s just like when you or I were kids. Whoever wanted us to get to sleep read stuff like Good Night Moon to us. Nothing over the top. Nice, quiet-themed, orated, eloquent equivalents to Max Richter’s Dream album. Similarly, now that we’re (allegedly) adults, we’ve gotta find fodder for brain placation. Sure, something full’a “aha” moments is fine – but anything too heady or existential’ll just be tantamount to singing your toddler thoughts the “Song that Never Ends”. You’ll be up all night with a billion inquiries brewing for an author you’ll never get to ask them to. Or the scientists. Or god.

Thus, I’ve come up with just a handful’a fun books I’d high suggests before bed. Enjoy:

1. My Booky Wook by Russell Brand

I remember reading this when I was detoxing from prescription benzos and painkillers. Very little could help me sleep. But cuddled up with my lavender pillow, my kava tea to my side, and Radiohead playing in the background… I polished off this auto-bio in a matter of days. Every night I giggled my way into the internal abyss where thoughts, insomnia, pain, or suffering of withdrawal symptoms didn’t exist. Mr. Brand succeeds in gleefully putting you to sleep with My Booky Wook. His hilariously illustrated life story details how he conquered the odds on his rise to fame, but also slips in inspirational messages while you’re uninhibited by his disarming comedy. The combo of those two things cooks up a serenity souffle – the perfect mattress snack for your mind.

(Disarming laughter…)

(…and inspirational information. Sidenote: this bit might not be specifically in the book.)

2. Mosquitoes by William Faulkner

Faulkner’s work might best be equated to that feeling I get when I watch a Seven jeans commercial. I have no idea what the point was. I’m not even sure what they’re selling. But it’s so beautiful that I want some more. Similarly, Moquitoes‘ metaphors are like a montage of OMGery. Even if you’ve no idea what’s going on as you read this story, set in New Orleans (circa the 1920’s, I believe), the descriptions alone are worth the effort. In fact, most of his work is that way:

(Way I see it: if nada else, your sheer weariness of his style’ll put you out should you become bored enough.)

3. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

And, finally, to top it all off: we’re bringing it back to the retro-tales.

An actual bedtime story you might’ve heard decades ago.

I suggest the Velveteen Rabbit specifically because if you’re like me and haven’t picked it up since you were six or seven, you truly oughtta. After a long day that’s assaulted your skull’s contents, what could be more calming than the comforting familiarity of a childhood book? Also: it’s amazing to see just how deep some of the messages behind these stories we once read are. (And, had we not been brought up in a culture with an opposite value system, they might’ve even stuck with more of us. But I digress.) I didn’t even realize how wow-worthy this story was until more recently when a friend posted an excerpt from it on Facebook:

(What? No, I’m not crying. That’s an opthalmic sweat condition I have. Leave me alone.)

Any of you got some good book recommendations for those of us snuggled in with our specs on?

Please share.

Till then: best of luck tucking yourselves in, my sleepy readers.