Sometimes when I delve into a topic, I have these preconceived notions.
Today it was: “I bet they’re totally gonna say twofers snooze poorly.”
I mean, it makes sense right? If you’re sharing something as sacred as sleep with another human person, things’re gonna get ugly. That’s a lot to slash down the center and offer to someone who’s not me. We’ll fight. Go to bed angry. Then, no one’s going to rest well. I mean, there’s the mattress space, then there’s all of its accessories – like sheets, blankets, and pillows-… “NO, you can’t have that. YES, I need all five pillows! Why did you think I bought them?! Are you stupid? Why am I sleeping with someone so stupid?! Am I stupid?”
See? I already hate this guy. He’s making me go existentially mental at ten o’ clock.
And we haven’t even met yet.
As what would seem confirmation, former scientific studies have actually suggested this isn’t far from the truth, either. A while ago, it was observed – both in the UK and here in ‘murica – that partners claimed losing two hours or more of sleep each night to their other-of-rapidly-decreasing-significance. Sometimes it was due to snoring. Sometimes it was due to sheet hogging. Sometimes it was because the women would wake up more during the night than the men which then woke the men up (probably the second and third time MILFs with stretched out plumbing who hafta pee more frequently than a chi-weenie. That or someone who drinks as much water and caffeine as I do). Either way, the survey seemed to be proving me right. Duos failed to rest well.
But then, why was single I failing too?
(Insert gif that reinforces my delusion of sharing anything more in common with an iconic starlet beyond insomnia.)
To make matters more confusing, then more recent research was done which seemingly countered the former…
Couples, it claimed, did sleep better than singles.
Like the eight or so year long study done comparing single chicks to hitched or hooked up ones. Apparently, those women who’d been seeing and sleeping with someone for the better part of a decade both fell asleep more quickly and gave the “wee” hours back their original meaning by no longer rising to bless the porcelain goddess with their previously endless supply of nocturnal nether lemonade.
And why?
Magic, obviously. And by magic, I mean hormones. First, cortisol (AKA the OMG-time-to-panic AKA stress hormone) gets lowered. Then, the inflammation hormones get reduced. And, if that’s not good enough, then there’s our old friend the cuddle hormone – oxytocin – which rises as the shizzy ones diminish. And how would that feel-good body chemical effect your sleep? Well, aside from the fact that it counters the stress ones (always easier to drift off when you’re not wound up), it might also be ’cause it’s manufactured in the same part of your brain that governs the sleep-wake cycle.
Now that I didn’t know.
However, before you start getting all down on yourself and feeling an eternal sentence of poor slumbers is the toe tag on the corpse of your relationship-ability, let’s invite some awareness into this. Let’s rewind. Remember that study we just talked about? That was one done on relationships that’d been going on for the better part of a decade. Do you know how long it is to stay with the same peni- person for the better part of a decade? Very. I did five and by the time I got out I was guarding my heart (and mattress, for that matter) like a prison meal because that’s where it felt like I’d just been.
“YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY!!1”
“I understand, ma’am. But you have to actually purchase it first or else you can’t either.”
It’s not hard just because you want to cheat on the other person necessarily, but because, while you love them, sometimes you kinda start to hate them a little too. Just a little. Mind you, however, that’s if one of you or both are bad enough at communicating that you fail to make it work and stick it out. Those with a degree in doing-it-right (#notme) seem to last past the halfway-to-a-decade mark. And what’s that seemingly tangential ramble meant to signify? That those lovers in that study (the ones who reported stellar snooze time) did so because they were in a stable relationship. Not any old careless pairing.
In that way, this new evidence doesn’t contradict the earlier stuff. If you’re in the kinda dynamic where you argue over sheet sharing and threaten to slit his throat like a halal cow if he starts with the friggin snoring again tonight, then, yes. Yes, you’re not going to sleep well. You’ll go to bed high on cortisol, low on oxytocin, and zero on Z’s. (Tough to feel the cuddle hormone for someone you’re envisaging gagging and gasping in their own sanguine pool streaming from their larynx like a Tarantino scene.) But if you’re healthy enough to remain calm and logical, it changes everything. You can compromise on whatever silly thing you’re arguing about now that you won’t remember in a year when you’re signing the final divorce papers and wondering why.
“Here. Let’s make a compromise. Because I’m rational. You give up the memory foam body pillow, and I’ll let you-…”
“Sex?!”
“Mmm, I was going with ‘live’. But good effort.”
That means that you can find as many bedmates as you like. But if the chemistry (literally in this case) is lacking, you won’t get any better of a hormonally induced sleep than your spinster friends. Sound hopeless? Nope. Because, lucky for you, there are a shiz load of ways to get high on cuddle hormone that don’t require halving your mattress. In fact, you can share in another way: sharing a hug, your focus (while listening to others), a gift, or even dinner with another human person can tremendously boost oxytocin – according to Psychology Today. Not in a giving spirit? Hot baths, jumping out of airplanes (preferably with a parachute), and petting your puggle can all bring you the love rush you’re so seeking. In the end, I suppose the soporific answer isn’t so much to grab a rando partner and doze-z-doze. More like – procure a healthy relache (or foster the one you’ve got) and you’ll both sleep better. That or do something loving and kind – for yourself or anyone else. (Hey, there’s why I’ve had abbreviated sleeps as a single – insufficient oxytocin-induction on my part.) Because the solution isn’t coupling, but knocking over your inner pharmacy for all its cuddle – not romance – hormones. And that’s the answer I could’ve just said in three phrases instead’a writing this whole thing: lower your stress, up your love, and sleep well.
As for me personally? My skydiving airplane’s in the shop currently.
And so is my willingness to shack up (healthily, at least) with another member of my species.
But I can totally see a hot tub and a dog rub in my imminent future…