7 ways chi tweaking could solve your snooze issues…

After a night’s sleep like last’s, bishes be getting desperate.

And when we don’t wanna reach for the booze or Rx bottle, we consult more esoteric sources for answers. Just to see what they have to offer. Just in case mysticism might be the missing link from my nocturnal routine. And what’s today’s spotlight on? Feng shui. Yep, while I’ve not yet resorted to spell casting – I have wondered about chi energy. It’s the flow I apparently care about when it comes to my living room – but less so in my ground zero reminiscent slumber quarters. Could this carelessness be contributing to my fitful rests? Is my energy getting fettered by my furniture placement?

Probably, say the afi-chi-onados.

Because, according to my browsings, I’m failing at at least several bedchamber suggestions.

Look ‘em over for yourself… You may just notice you are too:

1. Bed posiche

A no no? Having your bed’s foot directly lined up with the door. They’ve got a special name for this, in fact, called “death” position – ‘cause apparently your entry way turns into a hell portal the second you go sub-conscious and your chi gets sucked right on out the door. Mine’s kinda at an angle, so I guess my chi’s just flowing into my walk in closet. (Whose floor’s littered with dirty laundry. Which explains my life.)

2. Ya need to fenging clean your shui up

That last factor I shamefully admitted – my messiness – is another big chi eater. It’s suggested that keeping clutter around – be it shiz you need to pitch altogether, or just clothes missing their home on the rung above – is no bueno for your sleep flow. Clean up. Do the laundry. Put stuff away. Here, I’ll start by setting a good example and put this sock I found lodged between my mattress and headboard which may or may not be clean back in its drawer.

K. Your turn.

3. Open windows

I don’t need to issue science’s findings or mystical musings to convince anyone (who’s experienced Virginia’s weather) of this. Stagnant air is suffocating. In a way, it’s much like chi itself – just ‘cause you can’t see a gag-worthy batch of air depleting your respiration capacity, doesn’t mean you can’t feel it. You know it’s there. And then you regret not keeping the window open or having turned on the A/C. Now that autumn’s arrived, try the former during daylight hours (however few’v’em we’ve got now) to save on energy expenses. Have fun with it. Light a candle. Play some music. Enjoy the breeze. Set a whole pre-sleep mood.

(Just don’t fall out while playing Holly G.)

4. Color me bedd

Get it? Like the band that did the “sex you up” song? You know what’s not sexy though? Eccentric bedclothes, say the energy experts. Whether it’s bright reds or Super Mario graphics, the vibrant stuff Dysons up chi from your room as you snooze. And your romantic life, they say. The fix? Earthy, fleshy tones – like cream, caramel, and the like.

(No mattress mobiles, either, thx.)

5. Fewer mirrors

Mirrors ping pong and amplify your life force, warn the pros.

While that sounds like it’d be a good thing – it’s allegedly not.

The fix?

Limit your reflective surfaces – to a grand total of one in your room.

(I don’t wanna see you tongue picking out your grill rot where I rest anyway.)

6. Less technology

So, I was gonna say that the solution to not having any mirrors could be to lay there and take selfies of yourself. But these buzz kills also are telling me not to have technology in or around my bed. That, I kinda get, I’ll concede. What with findings about blue light and whatnot, it’s probably not bad advice to stow your smartphones. But they take it a step further, even, saying it’s best to jettison your T.V. from the room altogether. Doesn’t bother me so much since I’m not my idiot box’s biggest fan. But I do know a few folks who’d sooner die than go without the lull of infomercials hypnotizing them to sleep with promises of acne relief, clean carpets, and larger chesticles.

(Translache: “I want to be the reason you have insomnia ’cause I value validation over your health.”)

7. Mattress switching

Gotta new lover in your life? There’s a rule for this too, they say. And that’s to buy a new mattress for your latest “bae”. (I still wonder if “bae” is meant to be the genderless version of “beau”; like how geese describes both chick and dude birds, even though each’ve got their own special names. #EndDigressionIn3,2,1…) That’s right. A new mattress for each new lay. This sounds optimal and all, but I can think of at least a few people I know who’d need a lifetime supply of free credit at Serta to be able to fund feng shui of this nature.

(Though, to be fair, maybe that’s where their true insomnia problem lies.)

The fix? Crash at their place, duh.

Or, ya know, be less whorey.

Well, some of these tips are fantastic – like cleaning my lair and hanging up my clothes (interestingly enough – both are things I need to do, like, yesterday). The technology bit would also be helpful (if I wasn’t addicted). But, regarding the bed and mattress maneuvering? That’s a toughie when you live alone. ‘cause while the silver lining may be that I don’t have any pesky picture frames clogging up my night table (and they did say less clutter’s better), there’s no one to help me wield my sleep vehicle around the room until it lands in the most zen position. Then again, I could just wait till I find a “new partner” to do the dirty with (and the dirty work of heavy lifting). Might as well make new dude pay dues before entry, right ladies?!

(Sigh. I’m not gonna be needing a “new mattress” for a really long time, am I?)

(Current relache status: trampoline park sized bed. And, apparently, power outlets in the corner of matching size.)

Old mattress or not, in the end, the takeaway, I think is this:

While some’a these are less doable, even one or two tweaks might be all ya need to sleep better.

Lemme know which one(s) work(s) for you!