So you’re still having trouble sleeping next to your nuptial “other”.
Love went out the window eons ago. And splitting is too inconvenient. So, what do you do? Well, if you want to attempt to salvage the remnants of the relationship you used to have, click here for part one of this article. It’ll not only make for a better night’s rest, but maybe save your marriage or couple-ship (or whatever you’ve got going with the dude who never actually tied the knot on that layaway engagement string he placed on your finger a decade ago). That’s optimal. You should at least go read that before proceeding. But, if not, no judgement. Here, some tips await you that don’t necessarily rely on emotional effort or romantic connection.
5. Separate sheets
Ah, yes. You play verbal tug of war by day and blanket tug of war by night. At least you’re consistent! (Sarcastic high five!) However, should you tire of that, just put an end to it by buying a new blanket. One just for you. Not to be shared. For a real floor-your-partner flourish, hide it under the bed and wait to break it out until he or she’s all swaddled in the shizzy old quilt you used to share before your nice, warm upgrade. Then, boom! Random, brand new fleece appears from thin air. Caveat: make sure it’s way better than the first blanket and make a real show of it, too. There’s no better soporific than random acts of pettiness. (#FactsIJustMadeUp)
(Really, though: even in a healthy relache, this’s brilliant. Don’t let bedtime resentment spill into the next day…)
6. Switching sides
Disney level romance or not, this tip applies to everyone. And by switch sides, I mean the side of your own body – not necessarily sides of the bed. See, there’s a common misconception that you’ve gotta be two human vines all night, interlocked until you’re so close that you’re conjoined and breathing each other’s ejected carbon dioxide fumes until you mutually die of hypoxia. This is dumb. It means you’re only ever on your left or right side each night if you stick to this. Rolling over and going back to back isn’t some sleeptime symbolism for not loving eachother. No. Quite the opposite, actually. Think about it. What’s the most effective way you two would blaze through a pack of zombies together when the world ends and the dead traverse the earth? Back to back. Guns blazing. Covering each others’ sixes, literally, with each others’ sixes so you’re able to see ’em coming from every direction. And what’s more romantic that murdering ambulating cadavers together? Exactly. Nothing. So, make a note: spine to spine slumbers aren’t a sign of end times in a relache. Nah. That’s the sign of a legit power couple.
7. Shop
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe the cruddy energy of your coupling is due to the cruddy energy from a cruddy slumber caused by a cruddy body cradle? A bad mattress can cause all the tossing and turning that’s making you subconsciously loathe your beau in the first place. Fix that, and maybe you’ll both fall asleep so all else can fall into place. Ready to make this necessary investment? Make a whole date of it. Go to the store and treat yourselves to a new snooze pad you each can enjoy. And maybe a pillow that allows for your S.O. to breathe better so you don’t hafta smother him with the one at home when he starts snoring again. And maybe separate beds a few eves a week.
(I joke, but honestly: this’s made my relache monumentally better than any other I’ve ever had)
Once you juggle the elements of kids, chores (not saying the two are mutually exclusive; not saying they aren’t…), early wake ups, and late nights, it can be pretty tough to manage some of the stuff on this list. (Or the previous one.) But, so frequently, if we see one thing we can’t manage (or aren’t willing to), we don’t even bother to try any of the other stuff. This is a mistake. Who knows, maybe by aiming low and giving one of the simpler tips a try – we might just end up not only resting well at night, but better connecting with our partner by day – and turning our formerly horrible cycle into a serene one.